I have been putting a lot of thought into life the last few weeks. I had always thought that I would create this “perfect life”. It seemed so doable when I was young. Have a perfect childhood, go to college, get a job, meet a spouse, buy a house, have kids, go on vacations every year, have your successful children make you grandparents and grow old in contentment.
Things got in the way of that plan. My childhood, like everyones, had its challenges. College was not the experience I had hoped for. Traumatic events lead to a broken soul needing to be reminded of who she was. As a leaf is at the will of the wind, I too danced without direction. I buried the youthful invincible self that was full of passions and goals. For a year I wandered in a cloud of pain and on the first anniversary of the day my life changed I met Jake.
Our life together became my future. People say that others can’t heal you, that love can’t fill your holes but love sure makes it easier. In the safety of our love I found the strength to move in a direction of healing. My work will never be complete. Trauma, PTSD, in prints deep within your cells. Life became easier and for a time I forget but it always pops up like a clown from a music box startling you back into the past. The stretches of serenity have become longer. I have found true joy in my children and building a family. They give me direction, purpose and unconditional love. Raising a family is not as easy as I once thought it would be but the joy is more then I could have imagined.
In Duluth though my passions had changed I felt the fire of a calling again. The gift I was given to sit with a women as she transforms into a mother as doula was one of the greatest honors of my life. In that time I felt confident in who I was and where I was going. I was to be a midwife some how and at some time. The winds blew again and landed me away from the community that held me together like glue. My brokeness left me at my lowest despair in a deep depression. Once again I put myself back together.
Bemidji is becoming home and the connections are strengthening while new passions arising. I am realizing now that life is not created, shaped or planned. Life is about letting go of the vision and seeing what is unfolding in front of you. It seems like the key to finding inner peace is in surrendering to the Universe. I use to think that the concept of surrendering was a sign of weakness but it is clear to me now that it is a
sign of strength. I have fought for so long to make things what
they are not and missed a lot in the mean time.
At times now as a stay at home mom it is hard to find self worth. I don’t start my day with a shower and getting dressed in clothes other then gray sweatpants. I don’t “produce” anything outside of the home and I don’t have anything to show for my time at the end of the day. I am the keeper of three little people. I teach them and guild them to the best of my ability. I give them a safe clean environment to live in. I nourish their bodies with healthy foods in the mist of their outrages sugar intake. It is easy to lose myself in the day to day chores of parenthood. I see so many things that I want to do, to give. No matter the intent that I have, things fall away in the mist of the enormous amount of work little people are. I often grow weary of the questions; “Whats next? Where will we move? What am I meant to do?”. Today being a mother is enough. Having a semi-clean house is an accomplishment as big any others days work.
The doors are opening here, now in front of me. It scares me to be settled. To say, “This is it. This is home.” Funny how their is so much discomfort in the unknown of ones journey but just as much discomfort in the contentment of the present. I am not sure if the winds will blow again and I am not sure when I will find a life’s work other then motherhood. I am sure that Bemidji holds amazing people, that I am finding new passions I have never known before, that my kids are truly happy and the Universe has brought me here. My inner peace today is in surrendering to it all. I am complete today in my brokeness and possibility.
I read once that the things we say to our children now and
the matter to which we say them will later become their inner voice as adults.
Reading that stopped me in my tracks. I posted it on my refrigerator door to
remind myself not only of what I am saying to my children but the messages my
actions are giving them. Stop yelling! Speak to them with the full amount of
respect any soul deserves no matter their age. Tell them all the amazing things
about their character. Always guide their actions with gentleness so that one
day they too will treat their own errors with the same forgiveness. Don’t
criticize my body or theirs. Talk about others strength and don’t point out
their weaknesses. Have them play outside for their souls are truly free in nature. Always leave the gender of the individual they one day will
choose to love open. Let them define their own gender. Don’t use punishment as
a tool to shape their action because the messages given is shaming. Stop
everything when your child asks for a hug. Let my actions demonstrate desired
behavior and self love. Never stop learning and trying to be a better parent. Reward
their good days and hold them close on their bad days. Feed them healthy
organic foods and limit their exposure to bad chemicals. See past negative
behaviors for the unmet need. Demonstrate a good relationship with my husband. Don’t
ever hold back expressing affection to their father in their presence. Follow
my dreams. Show them the value of being a “stay at home mom”. Show them how to prioritize taking care of
yourself and don’t feel guilty for taking time for myself. Never refuse to
apologies to my kids when I make a mistake reminding them that no one is
perfect. Let go more of the small stuff while creating a peaceful environment
for them to grow. Truly be present. Complement their creativity and give them opportunities
for self-expression. Embrace their interests and don't push my own. In the
end completely take them in as if they are the air I breathe. Breathe in each
stage, each smile, each accomplishment and each failure. Enjoy the journey.
Most days I feel like I can do this. But today I woke up
after a night of nursing Leo nonstop and I felt resentful. I wanted sleep. I
wanted to feel connect to everyone but all I felt was disconnection. After a
night out being social the isolation of being a stay at home mom seems less doable.
Sitting down to write this blog is helping me to feel more grounded. Today I am
feeling fragile and I am going to honor that feeling. I am going to do things
that feed me. I am going to lowering my shield and show my vulnerability that I
am covering with anger. I am truly blessed and thankful this day for it all.
