If you follow my Facebook page you can see that I care
deeply for the movement against police brutality and equality of all of our
citizens. Maybe you have thought it is a little overkill. Maybe you have
wondered why it matters so much to me. I want to answer that question.
The last few weeks have been hard for me. The events that have unfolded and the imagery of police everywhere have pulled my PTSD from the shadows. Though I am a white middle class citizen, my personal story of police brutality has shaped much of my life. Ten years ago this last November while a sophomore in college I was raped by a police officer. His manipulation of me began early in the night as he showed me his badge and weapon at a social event. I heard stories of taking people down and his conquests over said criminals. Later as he took his shirt off I was shown the full power of his body. I was young at the time and still had a lot of trust in the police. I trusted that I was safe with him and felt flatter that he was interested in me. I now understand that every story he told and every action he took was to place fear in me. Upon my protest of his advances he whispered ever so quietly, "I will hurt you if I have to." When he said those words I believed him completely.
So I understand what a fear of the police feels like. My heart races every time I see a police officer or police car. When I have been pulled over in the last ten years I act strange in the eyes of the officer because I am terrified. My heart is fully present with the people of Ferguson and New York.
Clearly this is a hard issue to talk about. For many of the last ten years, I have been scared to speak out of what happened to me. I was not only scared of other police trying to “shut me up” as I was warned could happen but scared of the questions that come next. I received all the post rape questions. “Why did you not leave? Why did you not fight back? Why did you go with him? Why did you not scream?” Those words still echo in my bones. The message I received from many close to me was that I clearly should have done something different so that this would not have happened to me.
I hear that same attack against Michael Brown and Eric Garner. They clearly needed to do something different to not get killed. “If they only would have…” The victim shaming is the same. The fear of the police is the same. But I was traumatized by one man and the community that protected him. Minority communities are traumatized repeatedly and their life is often threatened.
I think white people like to believe we have come a long way sense slavery to give ourselves comfort. Institutionalized racism still holds the bonds of slavery. Our jails and prisons are full of black men. Education discrepancy. Economic standing. Infant mortality. The list goes on for plight of minorities. I was told I will be hurt into submission. Black men are told that they will be killed into submission. This is not the society I want to live in.
How can we trust someone who holds a gun and intimidates citizens into "proper behavior"? Does our society truly need people that have been GIVEN the right to threaten our lives with deadly weapons? As long as a gun is held on the hip of a police officer I will forever feel threatened.
Let us pass strict gun control laws, pay to get guns off our streets AND out of the hands of the majority of the police. Let us train police in cultural norms, conflict resolution, restorative justice and proper ways to restrain people. Let us join them together with community leaders as part of a team for a better civil society.
The last few weeks have been hard for me. The events that have unfolded and the imagery of police everywhere have pulled my PTSD from the shadows. Though I am a white middle class citizen, my personal story of police brutality has shaped much of my life. Ten years ago this last November while a sophomore in college I was raped by a police officer. His manipulation of me began early in the night as he showed me his badge and weapon at a social event. I heard stories of taking people down and his conquests over said criminals. Later as he took his shirt off I was shown the full power of his body. I was young at the time and still had a lot of trust in the police. I trusted that I was safe with him and felt flatter that he was interested in me. I now understand that every story he told and every action he took was to place fear in me. Upon my protest of his advances he whispered ever so quietly, "I will hurt you if I have to." When he said those words I believed him completely.
So I understand what a fear of the police feels like. My heart races every time I see a police officer or police car. When I have been pulled over in the last ten years I act strange in the eyes of the officer because I am terrified. My heart is fully present with the people of Ferguson and New York.
Clearly this is a hard issue to talk about. For many of the last ten years, I have been scared to speak out of what happened to me. I was not only scared of other police trying to “shut me up” as I was warned could happen but scared of the questions that come next. I received all the post rape questions. “Why did you not leave? Why did you not fight back? Why did you go with him? Why did you not scream?” Those words still echo in my bones. The message I received from many close to me was that I clearly should have done something different so that this would not have happened to me.
I hear that same attack against Michael Brown and Eric Garner. They clearly needed to do something different to not get killed. “If they only would have…” The victim shaming is the same. The fear of the police is the same. But I was traumatized by one man and the community that protected him. Minority communities are traumatized repeatedly and their life is often threatened.
I think white people like to believe we have come a long way sense slavery to give ourselves comfort. Institutionalized racism still holds the bonds of slavery. Our jails and prisons are full of black men. Education discrepancy. Economic standing. Infant mortality. The list goes on for plight of minorities. I was told I will be hurt into submission. Black men are told that they will be killed into submission. This is not the society I want to live in.
How can we trust someone who holds a gun and intimidates citizens into "proper behavior"? Does our society truly need people that have been GIVEN the right to threaten our lives with deadly weapons? As long as a gun is held on the hip of a police officer I will forever feel threatened.
Let us pass strict gun control laws, pay to get guns off our streets AND out of the hands of the majority of the police. Let us train police in cultural norms, conflict resolution, restorative justice and proper ways to restrain people. Let us join them together with community leaders as part of a team for a better civil society.
