I Have Fallen In Love

Oh New Mexico. You take my breath away. On a daily basics something causes me to pause in pure amazement of your beauty. The horizon that goes on forever, the blue skies that give me hope, the light storms that teach my heart to dance, the masterpieces painted in each sunset, the rain seen miles away, the rainbows that lead my way, the sun making the rivers shine, the peace eagles soaring above and the mountains embrace.

I have fallen in love. It took me two years to fully connect to the Earth here. Growing up in Minnesota I was surrounded by the beauty of the green trees and the blue of the water. When my heart was heavy or my spirit soaring I would go to the water to feel connected to All That Is. Though their is great energy in water, I realize now that it was the vastness that called me. It was the feeling of being held by something greater then myself.

The aspen trees will change soon. As I drive each curve up the mountain with anticipation, I will weep in awe when the trees glow of yellow. My soul has no boundaries here. Today I am feeling such deep gratitude and honor to be part of this place I call home.

Searching for My Anchor

Taos. My Heart Sores Here. 

Life has been offering a few blows and challenges. My health seems to be stabilizing some. My stomach is still sore and gets unhappy. Trying to figure out its triggers and ways I can help heal it. 

I have wanted to buy a house sense I was a child. It was always something I saw my friends have and was always jealous of. I use to dream of just having a front door of my own. As an adult I have wanted a home that was mine. That I could claim and make it reflect the person I am. Renting continuously feels hollow. Always worried about damaging, altering and keeping it generally to the liking of someone else. No paint, no holes in the wall, no creative planning and no projects. Also I have moved so much in my life. I want to be all in somewhere. I want to say this is home. Somehow buying a house seems to be the final act of commitment to a place. 

We have been working so hard at preparing our finances to buy. August was suppose to be the time. Well we have discovered that Jake will not get his huge raise till next year and thus we are stuck waiting another year to buy a house. Our credit report looks good but with student loans, our debt to income ratio is off to get approved for more then 150,000 (not much of a house here in Santa Fe). Fucking student loans. We are both on the IBR program and our payments are zero but the mortgage company will not take that into account. I know it will happen some day but it feels sad. 

1st & 3rd Grade

Jake is teaching band again which is great. On the other hand he has gotten totally screwed over this year. They have him driving back and forth between two schools. He literally drives from one to another and then back to the other. On Fridays he drives back and fourth twice. They also cut his program significantly. Why...because their reading scores are low. So instead of band they will be working on reading more. This has all been an unexpected stressor. I feel bad for Jake. He is powerless though he has the support of people in the district fighting for his program.

The girls are back in school and Leo will start preschool next week. They are happy kids. I do miss them. Tears flowed as drove away from the school on the first day. Letting go as I trust the Universe with their spirits. Our life could not seem more different then a week ago. I also start classes online next week. 

You would think I would be use to the whirlwind of change by now but transition is never easy. I am looking forward to having time to myself. A much needed three hours four days a week I am alone. Alone. My mind, spirit and body will rest. I will drink coffee alone, read books alone, go to yoga alone, take a shower alone. I will breath alone. It almost makes my body want to give to the ground from the mere thought of it. I get to honor my being for twelve precious hours a week.

I feel this great sense of grasping in my life right now. So much change at once. I just want to reach out and grab something to keep me anchored as the rest of the world swirls around me. 

My spirit has been deep in change. Reexamining my beliefs and awakening. Our spiritual paths are not something we talk about a lot in our society. If we do its all about the good stuff and not as much about the hard. My soul is as raw as it ever has been. Opening up to the world and everything it has to offer. So much of my path lately has been about opening and resisting the temptation to numb myself from the discomfort of life. Embracing experiences and people without the need to protect myself from potential hurt. Its a way I really want to live my life. No more holding back with emotional walls, a old copy mechanism that served me for a long time. But being open is vulnerable and hard. My chest feels exposed and is needing great care. I keep moving forward with my heart open in the mist of its tenderness, something I have never done before. Still I find refuge when I bow. My mat is my anchor returning my attention back to my body and my breath.  

Okay...Fine...Its not really all okay.

Recently I made the choice to back away from a FB group that has been a very large part of my life for years now. Their was a significant falling out that I never would have seen happening. It was a space and a community of mothers I seriously thought I would grow old with. But my heart was deeply hurt. The lesson that came out of all of this for me was I needed to begin to invest in people that I can hug, can wipe a tear or laugh with till we pee. I need them to see my flesh so that they can see my full being. It is far too easy to have communication errors and hurt feelings while online. But I miss them more than words can say. I want to know what's going on in there life and share my journey with them. I don’t feel as strong without them cheering me on. I am very aware of how deeply I am needing to find community. I have moved so much in the last ten years. I miss family and it’s been hard to maintain friendships. I am thankful for a handful of friends that no matter the distance, our connection never falters.

I had created a really good balance of self care within my life. But my sickness lately has disturbed all of that. Spending days in bed and unable to go to yoga. My diet has had to be altered to slow down weight lost and comfort my hurting tummy. It’s been really scary being sick and not knowing why. To feel pain in my body I don’t understand. I have also taken some risks with my heart. Its turmoil can be consuming, as can my constant analysis.

I am in such a tender spot. I have had to be pretty strong facing a lot of my health stuff alone. Not having anyone to care for our kids means spending hours in the ER by myself, talking to doctors, tests, procedures and diagnosis that potentially could greatly affect my life delivered without a hand to hold. None of this really bothered me till Wednesday when I got my third IV in two weeks, had multiple nurses working on finding a vein, waiting an hour to go back for my procedures while everyone else around me had family or friends by their side. Being rolled into an OR is one of the scariest feeling ever for me, trusting people I just met with my life.

Without any warning, it all came crashing down last night. The pain, loneliness, heart full of turmoil, disconnection to self and all that being strong. My spirit needs extra care.

I am beyond thankful for Jake who has been by my side the last couple weeks. He has had to take way more of his share of parenting. And last night he saw all those emotions colliding into big tears before I did. This weekend I am reaching out to some very special New Mexicans. I am going to a meditation retreat in Taos. Needing to connect to my inner wisdom and honor my vulnerability.