I have been pondering one huge question lately. Who is my
authentic self and how do I represent it unapologetically? I strive to be a
person that shares my vulnerability like a shield of armor. I write these words
today to remind myself to open, to love and to embrace.
A large part of living my authentic self is by removing
boundaries that withhold true connection with others. The choice to not put labels
or rules on relationships is controversial. But I trust. I surrender to not
knowing the depth, duration, intimate nature of what I will share. There is no
destination other than to follow my heart. I long for adventure, laughter, joy,
intimacy, vulnerability, tears and deep connection.
I cannot truly be authentic to myself without valuing myself
as an equal part of All That Is. I am enough, my body is enough, what I have to
offer is enough. I am worthy of the journey. I tell Jake all the time he takes
horrible pictures. He tries to capture me but I laugh in its awfulness. As I
was deleting photos I evaluated as unflattering, I thought why do I pick myself
apart like this. Why do I refuse to see my beauty? The angle must be just right
while avoiding the “trouble areas”. Is that who I am? Is that capturing me? Lately
I have been messaged by several people who have immediately commented on my “beautiful
curves”. What is that? Why is that what you see? I would much rather you point out my words,
my heart, my beauty. But would I feel the same if it was my brown eyes that you
mention first? Why do I judge that is what you first appreciate about my body? This is how I shame myself and how I shame men. I need to embrace and accept all of me. I can’t let society tell
me what areas of my body have value and which should be hidden. Be me.
A couple weeks ago, I received an email informing me that I
made the Dean’s List. I rolled my eyes. I thought it means nothing because UNM
is a joke. My brother asks me to ponder the idea that maybe it’s not that UNM
only sucks but that I am in fact good at school and work hard for my grads. His
words hit me like a ton of bricks. You see Ryan was always the smart one. He
skipped a grad and was in honors programs. I was, in my mind, the stupid one. I
struggling to learn to read and needed extra help. But when the smart one suggests
that maybe it is that I am smart and good at school I listen. Because I did
graduate high school with honors and did get into every college I applied to. I
do have a very high GPA. Maybe I am good at it? Maybe I am THAT smart? Maybe I
should be humble because I have a gift? Maybe the fact that it took me longer
to learn in the beginning taught me a skill. It was never a matter of my IQ!
How have I not seen this? So, my authentic self must admit that I am a full
time student and mother of three who gets good grades, works hard, has the
respect of my professors and have a lot to offer the world. Be proud of
yourself.
I often tell people I am a Health Education major who is
hoping to do work in sexual violence prevention and sex education. That is a
slight copout. My interests vary in deep intimacy, tantra, non-monogamy, sexual
healing, affirmative consent, sexual violence prevention, feminism, birth
rights, toxic masculinity, GLBTQ rights, and creating inclusive space. These
subjects are not the easiest to talk about publicly. I have a calling to create
change. To combat rape culture. To empower women and fight against abusive nature of toxic masculinity. To free us from constructs of sexual orientation
and gender. To see the spectrum and remove the need for restrictive labels.
My skies the last few months have been caste in gray.
Society talks a lot about not stigmatizing mental health but it still feels
pretty damn isolating. If I discuss PTSD, rape, depression, anxiety it makes
you uncomfortable. It’s a RED LIGHT. It’s a stay away. Let it be known, it’s
all part of me. I have no shame. I am warrior. I am survivor. AND I am a victim.
Words have power and many survivors don’t like the work victim. I say the word
victim with much pride. It was and IS a huge part in my journey. To me being a
victim has freed me from guilt. It freed me from all the ignorant questions
that were asked of me. Why did I trust him? Why did I go with him? Why did I
not fight? Why did it take me so long to report it? The answer for me to all of
these questions is because I was a victim. A victim of manipulation, of greed,
of toxic masculinity, of society’s indoctrination of what it means to be a
woman, of power and control. But I did survive. I did make every choice in the
moment to this day to survive. Now I hope that my voice and story will help to stop
the cycle of sexual violence in our society.
On a walk with a friend, without kids, I was asked a several
questions. Have you gone backpacking? What concerts have you been to lately?
Where have you gone camping? What trails have you hiked? What have you done?....
I am a MOTHER! I have spent the last eleven years raising children. What have I
done? I have grown and birthed three babies. I have nursed them throughout the
nights. Did you know I save people’s lives for a living? Yes, three children. I
save their life every day. I teach them not to run in parking lots, to watch
for cars, to chew their food, to not climb too high, not to wonder too far, to
not touch hot things, my work never ends. I also teach them to love themselves
and others. To be good friends and how to set healthy boundaries with others. I cut
their finger nails, wash their body, oh and feed them food, a lot of food. I
hold them till they fall asleep and kiss their heads. I enrich their lives by
taking them to the zoo, museums, the outdoors. I bring them to school each day.
I fill out paperwork everywhere times three. I go to teacher’s conferences. I
make a ton of mistakes. I am a mother. I serve. I love. But I am not a mother
who takes that role as bars that hold me back. I say yes to experiences. My
babies are getting older. I have started to hike, to listen to live music, to
say yes to love, to camping, to see the world. Explore with me. Experience with
me. Some of these things I choose to do as a mother so my children will learn
to not hold back but now I start to do it alone for me. I did not spend my 20s
in a bar, or in the wilderness. I spent it doing the best thing I will EVER do
as a human being, being a mother. See me.
Remember to be you because it’s pretty damn amazing.
