Me Too...Never Again

Yesterday I opened my heart, I shared my truth and I told my story. It was a moment where I felt fully present in my authentic self. Where I knew my light shinned, was received and in the process, others illuminated even brighter. It was magic, it was sacred. When I think about the gifts I accepted from others I am humbled. The gifts of their stories, their tears, the impact my words had on them, their hugs and their willingness to know me better. But the largest gift for me was having the opportunity to see what they saw. To be reminded of my strength, wisdom, humility, raw vulnerability and my transformation.

Sharing the story of my traumas is never easy. But every time I do it, some layer inside me heals. Yesterday on Facebook “Me Too” spread like wild fire. Survivors claiming sexual harassment, assault and rape. Studies show that 25% of college men have admitted that they would rape a woman if they could get away with it. This shows without a doubt, sexual assault is a man’s issue, an issue with masculinity. Yet woman, in a public form willingly admitted our horrors and men sat silent. I delayed saying “Me Too” because I thought why is it on the survivors to always bring awareness, fight and share our trauma. But I saw a man post in support of all the survivors and he spoke of his trauma from loving survivors himself. When I saw that, I felt hope. I was ready to once again own my trauma because survivors were not alone. But he was only one man. One man. 

I so wish the voices of men would be heard today. That they would own being part of the change. I want to hear men challenge rape culture with every ounce of their being. It’s not because you have a mother, daughter or sister, it’s because you are a human being. Survivors eyes are on you...waiting, waiting, waiting. When will men step up? Being a good guy, never assaulting a woman, is not enough. Your voice is needed on social media, in the locker room, in how you talk to young boys, in what you support with your money, in how you own your feelings, in how you vote and in how you choose to love. Did you sit quite when you saw someone in a vulnerable position? Did you make that rape joke? Did you laugh?  Did you questions a women's intention from the clothing she wore, the way she danced, the drinks she drank? Have you always asked for affirmative verbal consent? We know with the number of women who have been assaulted, a lot of men themselves have assaulted. Maybe you once did something you’re not proud of. Maybe you think owning that will make you lose the respect of those around you. Let me tell you, when I hear a man claim his wrongs, as a survivor, I heal. But if you stay quiet, if you know you have hurt another and you don’t fight the system so another is not hurt, then I have no respect for you. The crime of your silence is the largest of all. This is on all men. We are waiting.

So…Me Fucking Too. I have been sexually abused, raped and sexually harassed countless times. I am the story of women. I will continue to scream “ME TOO” but will it be returned with “Never Again”?

Walking in the Light

A theme of my life has always been radical honesty. Above any characteristic a person could hold, I respect people who can share their authentic self, no matter how vulnerable they must be to do so. If there is a language of the Light that is it. When we speak our truth and it is received in sacred space, a mystical circle is completed that produces a power so large it can transform energy. Lately I have been contemplating prayer, how it is done, what is said or unsaid, its function, ect. Like most of my spiritual work, I have had to translate religion and dogma into what I know to be true for myself. When I pray I have only three objectives. First to practice deep gratitude for all that I have received. Second to share my truth and let it be received from the Light that Flows Through All That Is. Third to always look for ways to remain in the Light that guides me. 

Great Spirit,

I'm only beginning to comprehend all of what you are. But this I know.

I see you every time I see the light shining through the trees.

I feel you every time a sunset takes my breath away. 

I hear you every time I open myself to the wonder of life.

I am blessed by you every time my heart fills with love. 

I doubt you only when I try to understand you in my mind. 

You belong in my heart, in the light, in the sound of children and the bud of spring.

You are the light that holds me. When I embrace you I feel peace, love and strength.

Great Spirit show me the way to serenity. Light my path with your wisdom. Free me from hate, greed, selfishness and discontent so I may offer myself to the light that flows through All That Is. I welcome your loving embrace. May your waters cleanse my soul and shine my way today and every day.

Amen

Forgiveness

In the Morning

There is a facade that accompanies the night

Desires take hold and the animals emerge 

The beat of the music matches the beat of our hearts

Bodies collide in rhythmic movement  

A girl looks into the eyes of a man

He sees her body and longing eyes

Trusting the night she follows

Grooming me all along

For when the night fell black

A girl said no and man said yes

You say how cute I am as I try to cover my body

Asking you not to but you persist

With darkness in your eyes you inform

I will hurt you if I have to

A girl no longer, innocence gone

As I sleep you wake me again

I will hurt you if I have to

But morning always comes

As the light hits your face you know

That darkness took your soul

Desperately wishing that the night was mislead

I ask, "Whats wrong?"

As you glance to me you no longer see the girl

Reply, "How horrible was your night?"

You knew what I did not, you knew what you did

I wonder if now the sun shines on your darkness

Or if you have let the darkness consume 

A woman built from wreckage speaks to the morning 

I know the darkness that most haunt you still

But I will not bow to the night

Only my forgiveness holds me now

I set the night free

Love Affair

I want to have a love affair

A famished soul awaits

Give me starry nights and long walks

Companions navigating the mystery abound

Share in the wonder of it all

Make love to me

Let the tears fall as I release

Laugh as the world attempts to claim our days

Let your glance clench my heart

Hear my joy in your voice

Healing love take your grasp

Let my touch welcome you home

Energy from source combines in one love affair

Fingerprint

There is a bruise shaped as a fingerprint

As I glance down, I see the power once taken

Broken blood vessels tell a story of a girl

In playful interaction fear took hold

As I laugh, I cry silently

Soon sounds of joy fade as tears begin to fall

Horror takes hold from the one that loves me

He speaks when I can not

"I'm sorry love. I was just playing."

Pain, clench, fear

Why do I fall silent?

The words of the past still whispered ever so quietly

"I will hurt you if I have to"

I run my fingers over blood diffusing

Heal and take my silent voice

To Feel Again

I’m not sure when it began, the numbing, the isolation, the depression 

And I’m not sure it matters

I have been living a life on auto pilot, forgetting that life is lived in the present

When one does not want to feel, they can find about anything to avoid it

There is an ache in my chest that strangles my breath

A soul held captive in a body living in a hostile environment

They say addiction is a family disease, taking three generations to resolve

My family tells its story

I guess it was there all along but now the virus has taken hold

People ask me how long I have been withholding 

It’s not an action that can be calculated, it’s a way of life

Baby steps taken each day following a promise

My body absent of alcohol it found itself panicked for relief

Warping all crutches to bag for mercy

But tonight my soul sang

In loving embrace, I opened, I felt and I did not resist

I basked in the sensation of joy and hope for a journey unresolved

Discovering hidden identity

The Universe showing the blind its path

I feel you, I see you, I listen

I’m humbled

Listen, Let Go and Trust

I was told recently that my story is enough. That there is no criteria needed to be met but the life I have lived to qualify me for help. That blows my mind some. People share with me often that they see me as a warrior. I often don't feel that strength but I know that no matter how many times I am overcome by my shadows, I rise. Each time in the past thinking it would be the last. Thinking I had found the hidden puzzle piece creating a whole masterpiece. But I know now its work that will never be done. PTSD is part of my being, woven into me like the veins that nourish my body. I crave connection with my whole being. Numbing the pain of its absence. The craving for connection has been with me for as long as I can remember. I learned as a child that the only way for me to have connection, was to care for those that could not care for themselves. While at the same time learning that no one was really dependable. No one would stay on the merit of who I was or what I offered. A life time of care taking. A life time feeling isolated from the world around me. Maybe my trauma did that. It told me the world was not safe, that people will always betray. In the last couple of months my shadows have pulled me down further then I have ever seen. They have brought me to my knees once again. I look again for my missing puzzle piece and though the puzzle will never be complete, with each missing piece discovered its beauty shines brighter. Today I am not going to hide, I am not going to put on a display of strength or intellect. Today I am desperately searching, sitting in my brokenness, refusing to numb my pain, asking for help. I choose me. I am continuing a journey and now facing a new challenge of addiction. Simply a symptom of my larger disease. I believe in my resilience and I believe in a Universe that is waiting for me to listen, to let go and to trust. 

Realization from a Mountain

Climbing a mountain is much like depression. You just keep going because the path is laid out in front of you and you don't know how to get off. It does not matter how exhausted you are, you have not gotten where you are supposed to be. 

I never intended to do the full 6-mile hike but I felt like I had to keep going till I saw "it". The view, the feeling, the sense of wonder but it never came. My hands swollen, arms burning from the sun, my legs shaking and the path ahead of me showed no relief.

I turned around, momentarily feeling defeated but then a rush of calm came over me. I started to notice the beauty and my soul surrendered. The tears began to fall. It felt so good to stop, to turn around, to end the struggle. It was only upon the long walk down that I realized just how far I had gone. Two and half hour strenuous hike on a body that is damn out of shape. I should have turned around sooner. 

The answer I was searching for is to find a way to turn around, to find ease, to notice, to remove a destination. Thank you, dear mountain. I am in aww of the ways the Universe cares for us when we listen. 

Don't Forget

I have been pondering one huge question lately. Who is my authentic self and how do I represent it unapologetically? I strive to be a person that shares my vulnerability like a shield of armor. I write these words today to remind myself to open, to love and to embrace.

A large part of living my authentic self is by removing boundaries that withhold true connection with others. The choice to not put labels or rules on relationships is controversial. But I trust. I surrender to not knowing the depth, duration, intimate nature of what I will share. There is no destination other than to follow my heart. I long for adventure, laughter, joy, intimacy, vulnerability, tears and deep connection.

I cannot truly be authentic to myself without valuing myself as an equal part of All That Is. I am enough, my body is enough, what I have to offer is enough. I am worthy of the journey. I tell Jake all the time he takes horrible pictures. He tries to capture me but I laugh in its awfulness. As I was deleting photos I evaluated as unflattering, I thought why do I pick myself apart like this. Why do I refuse to see my beauty? The angle must be just right while avoiding the “trouble areas”. Is that who I am? Is that capturing me? Lately I have been messaged by several people who have immediately commented on my “beautiful curves”. What is that? Why is that what you see? I would much rather you point out my words, my heart, my beauty. But would I feel the same if it was my brown eyes that you mention first? Why do I judge that is what you first appreciate about my body? This is how I shame myself and how I shame men. I need to embrace and accept all of me. I can’t let society tell me what areas of my body have value and which should be hidden. Be me.

A couple weeks ago, I received an email informing me that I made the Dean’s List. I rolled my eyes. I thought it means nothing because UNM is a joke. My brother asks me to ponder the idea that maybe it’s not that UNM only sucks but that I am in fact good at school and work hard for my grads. His words hit me like a ton of bricks. You see Ryan was always the smart one. He skipped a grad and was in honors programs. I was, in my mind, the stupid one. I struggling to learn to read and needed extra help. But when the smart one suggests that maybe it is that I am smart and good at school I listen. Because I did graduate high school with honors and did get into every college I applied to. I do have a very high GPA. Maybe I am good at it? Maybe I am THAT smart? Maybe I should be humble because I have a gift? Maybe the fact that it took me longer to learn in the beginning taught me a skill. It was never a matter of my IQ! How have I not seen this? So, my authentic self must admit that I am a full time student and mother of three who gets good grades, works hard, has the respect of my professors and have a lot to offer the world. Be proud of yourself.

I often tell people I am a Health Education major who is hoping to do work in sexual violence prevention and sex education. That is a slight copout. My interests vary in deep intimacy, tantra, non-monogamy, sexual healing, affirmative consent, sexual violence prevention, feminism, birth rights, toxic masculinity, GLBTQ rights, and creating inclusive space. These subjects are not the easiest to talk about publicly. I have a calling to create change. To combat rape culture. To empower women and fight against abusive nature of toxic masculinity. To free us from constructs of sexual orientation and gender. To see the spectrum and remove the need for restrictive labels.

My skies the last few months have been caste in gray. Society talks a lot about not stigmatizing mental health but it still feels pretty damn isolating. If I discuss PTSD, rape, depression, anxiety it makes you uncomfortable. It’s a RED LIGHT. It’s a stay away. Let it be known, it’s all part of me. I have no shame. I am warrior. I am survivor. AND I am a victim. Words have power and many survivors don’t like the work victim. I say the word victim with much pride. It was and IS a huge part in my journey. To me being a victim has freed me from guilt. It freed me from all the ignorant questions that were asked of me. Why did I trust him? Why did I go with him? Why did I not fight? Why did it take me so long to report it? The answer for me to all of these questions is because I was a victim. A victim of manipulation, of greed, of toxic masculinity, of society’s indoctrination of what it means to be a woman, of power and control. But I did survive. I did make every choice in the moment to this day to survive. Now I hope that my voice and story will help to stop the cycle of sexual violence in our society.

On a walk with a friend, without kids, I was asked a several questions. Have you gone backpacking? What concerts have you been to lately? Where have you gone camping? What trails have you hiked? What have you done?.... I am a MOTHER! I have spent the last eleven years raising children. What have I done? I have grown and birthed three babies. I have nursed them throughout the nights. Did you know I save people’s lives for a living? Yes, three children. I save their life every day. I teach them not to run in parking lots, to watch for cars, to chew their food, to not climb too high, not to wonder too far, to not touch hot things, my work never ends. I also teach them to love themselves and others. To be good friends and how to set healthy boundaries with others. I cut their finger nails, wash their body, oh and feed them food, a lot of food. I hold them till they fall asleep and kiss their heads. I enrich their lives by taking them to the zoo, museums, the outdoors. I bring them to school each day. I fill out paperwork everywhere times three. I go to teacher’s conferences. I make a ton of mistakes. I am a mother. I serve. I love. But I am not a mother who takes that role as bars that hold me back. I say yes to experiences. My babies are getting older. I have started to hike, to listen to live music, to say yes to love, to camping, to see the world. Explore with me. Experience with me. Some of these things I choose to do as a mother so my children will learn to not hold back but now I start to do it alone for me. I did not spend my 20s in a bar, or in the wilderness. I spent it doing the best thing I will EVER do as a human being, being a mother. See me.

Remember to be you because it’s pretty damn amazing.

I Lost Our Kid

Every parent has been there. You are in a public place, look away for a moment and they are gone. Its one of the stories you hear repeatedly though your life, the time when you went missing. It's usually played off with laughing years later but everyone knows the terror of those moments. Leo is my sweet, fearless boy. I strive at times for a label for him. I say he is on an IEP or he has stuff. But there is no one word to describe him. My father calls him Leo MaDeO The Real Deal. Maybe that says it better than anything, he is the real deal. He does everything full in, no fear, no pause, no limitations, just go. At his IEP conference last week they said “Leo may be one of those kids that needs movement to learn. It's something to watch for.” But all I wanted to do was look at them and say, “Did you hear me? I lost our kid.” Desperate for suggestions from his team on how to keep him safe. I can’t think about learning right now.

Just two days earlier when I left Leo sitting in a chair surrounded by family in a large suburban mall he went missing. He had vanished sitting next to everyone. I had left him for three minutes but the family I left him with did not KNOW Leo. They did not know how fast he could move, how he can bult, how clumsy and fearless he is. They did not know how much he is the Real Deal to which always means being ongard. You don’t relax, make any assumptions that he will do anything, not even something as simple as he will stay in his chair. I scanned the group with my eyes. “Uh oh, where is Leo.” I ask.

I begin. The frantic movements of a mother's body. Scan the crowd. Look under tables, around corners, look, ask, “Did you see a little boy?” But minutes passed and I realized this was my story. He was not just under the table or had wandered to a candy machine. He was gone. I look at this guy in a kiosk who is wanting to sell me something, I make eye contact and he starts his monologue. Interrupting I say, “Please call security, I lost our kid.” I begin to slowly spin, scanning frantically. He tries to get my attention, “Miss I need a description. Miss what does your kid look like?” I respond, I give just enough information and I start to run.

Where would he go? Maybe the toy store. Run there, scan every child, no Leo. Maybe the play area, no Leo. Maybe the ice cream shop, no Leo. I continue running the mall full of people on a Saturday afternoon. Darting bodies and at times running into people. I wondered what they thought, can’t you see I am mother who is frantically searching, it does not really need explanation or a request to help. You know my face. But no one stops me, no one says let me help you. My aunt running in different directions and now security. I see security in every direction. True panic. So many people looking now but no one is finding him.

I keep running back to the location we were sitting, where the rest of the kids are sitting with my Uncle, in the case he had been found. No Leo. I throw my purse on the table and prepare to run faster. Then the thought came, the thought that controls all parents minds in these moments, what if we can’t find him because someone took him. I turn around and run to the closest exit to where we were sitting. I scan the people walking to and from there cars, a police car sits and I think I should tell them. He announces “Yes, I know. I am watching here.” Horror hits knowing that the police are thinking the same thing I am. They are watching everyone going in and out of the building.

MYAH RUN!, says my mind. I go back in. Security stops me for a further description. Why would they ask a mother to stop moving? I needed to catch my breath unable to speak. Description given. Why are they not running too? RUN, search. Why still has no one asked to help me look? Don’t they remember? I think these were the same halls I walked as a teen, laughing with friends, shopping, escaping the cold, the hub of social interaction. You know me!

The thoughts continued, this is how it happens? This is how the first stage of a parent's worst nightmare happens. Soon I will be standing, sitting, unable to run, waiting to hear something. Why are they not putting something over the intercom. Find security. There is one, run to him. “Can we please put a call out, turn the music off?”

“Miss we have him.” My steps slow and I wait to hear it again. “We have him. He is okay. They are bringing him to the rotunda.” Talking over security radios. “I have the mother, we are coming your way.”

I turn the corner and there he is smiling getting a badge sticker. I think wow this guy must have kids, he is good with Leo. The security guard holding his socks. Why is holding his socks? In slow motion I pick him up and fall against the wall, sinking to the ground, tears now. He looks at me and says, “Mom where have you been, I was looking for you?” I think but can not say, my boy, I was looking for you! I can only say, “Where were you?”. He announced he had wanted to go play. The officer hands over his socks and explains he was in a different toy store all the way on the other side of the mall playing on a slide with his shoes and socks off.

I make eye contact with no one but hear distant voices explain they had all been there. My body shaking, my tears flowing, the people looking, my Leo as calm as always, unalarmed. “Buddy you can’t do that. Do you see how scared Mama is? You have to stay with me.” He softly places his hand on my face, “I am sorry mama, I’m okay.”  I sat there as my aunt now finds me with him, her face goes from terror to relief, to empathy as she sees me crumbled. I think, I guess I should have told you he bults. I guess I should have told you who he is.

The rest of the day I walked in a cloud, numb. The words echoed in my head, “I lost our kid.” Every parents been there but I felt like no one could see me. No one could see that I was still running. Later I had to look Jake in the eyes and explain that, “I lost our kid today.” I was full of guilt and feelings of failure. Failing to do the most basic of tasks, keep track of our kids. In the days that followed I was still exhausted from running, not physically but my being was tired. I had a panic attack in the Denver airport, how do I not lose him here?

I look at Leo now and realize I can never keep him safe. He is a full time job, countless times have I saved his life. I know there's no label, there is no way to explain to a person. Leo does everything with his full being. Just as he is fearless in his actions, he loves without pause. He trusts without stipulation. Be calm my heart, you can not try to contain water because its path is its own. Ride the current with him. Find the calm in the never ending motion. Be calm my heart. He is here now.

Resting & Getting Stronger

I have been quite lately. The last four months have been an intense learning experience with major changes in my life and relationships. I tend to write when I feel answers coming in but lately I have been living in trial and error. Finding my voice in the mist of others voices. Learning to love others without limitation, learning to share my time, learning to care for the spirits of those the most dear to me. 

The weight of the complexity of my life, the pain that resides in my body and the absence of my time on the mat has weakened my spirit like a virus. My mind telling myself to rise up, to see my light, my worthiness, my strength, my resolve but my spirit has been weakened. I scream at myself, fight, you are slipping, its urgent, do it now! But no matter how much I battle I can't seem to make headway. 

I know the only answer is to surrender. For now I must rest and gain my strength. Surrendering is scary for the fear of being completely consumed. But my spirit is strong and no darkness can ever extinguish my light. Maybe that is my answer. To stop controlling and to trust in a greater path. I am not asleep. I am dormant, very much alive. I feel myself getting stronger, maybe not as fast as I would like, but its happening. Just as the sun's return.