Love Affair

I want to have a love affair

A famished soul awaits

Give me starry nights and long walks

Companions navigating the mystery abound

Share in the wonder of it all

Make love to me

Let the tears fall as I release

Laugh as the world attempts to claim our days

Let your glance clench my heart

Hear my joy in your voice

Healing love take your grasp

Let my touch welcome you home

Energy from source combines in one love affair

Fingerprint

There is a bruise shaped as a fingerprint

As I glance down, I see the power once taken

Broken blood vessels tell a story of a girl

In playful interaction fear took hold

As I laugh, I cry silently

Soon sounds of joy fade as tears begin to fall

Horror takes hold from the one that loves me

He speaks when I can not

"I'm sorry love. I was just playing."

Pain, clench, fear

Why do I fall silent?

The words of the past still whispered ever so quietly

"I will hurt you if I have to"

I run my fingers over blood diffusing

Heal and take my silent voice

To Feel Again

I’m not sure when it began, the numbing, the isolation, the depression 

And I’m not sure it matters

I have been living a life on auto pilot, forgetting that life is lived in the present

When one does not want to feel, they can find about anything to avoid it

There is an ache in my chest that strangles my breath

A soul held captive in a body living in a hostile environment

They say addiction is a family disease, taking three generations to resolve

My family tells its story

I guess it was there all along but now the virus has taken hold

People ask me how long I have been withholding 

It’s not an action that can be calculated, it’s a way of life

Baby steps taken each day following a promise

My body absent of alcohol it found itself panicked for relief

Warping all crutches to bag for mercy

But tonight my soul sang

In loving embrace, I opened, I felt and I did not resist

I basked in the sensation of joy and hope for a journey unresolved

Discovering hidden identity

The Universe showing the blind its path

I feel you, I see you, I listen

I’m humbled

Listen, Let Go and Trust

I was told recently that my story is enough. That there is no criteria needed to be met but the life I have lived to qualify me for help. That blows my mind some. People share with me often that they see me as a warrior. I often don't feel that strength but I know that no matter how many times I am overcome by my shadows, I rise. Each time in the past thinking it would be the last. Thinking I had found the hidden puzzle piece creating a whole masterpiece. But I know now its work that will never be done. PTSD is part of my being, woven into me like the veins that nourish my body. I crave connection with my whole being. Numbing the pain of its absence. The craving for connection has been with me for as long as I can remember. I learned as a child that the only way for me to have connection, was to care for those that could not care for themselves. While at the same time learning that no one was really dependable. No one would stay on the merit of who I was or what I offered. A life time of care taking. A life time feeling isolated from the world around me. Maybe my trauma did that. It told me the world was not safe, that people will always betray. In the last couple of months my shadows have pulled me down further then I have ever seen. They have brought me to my knees once again. I look again for my missing puzzle piece and though the puzzle will never be complete, with each missing piece discovered its beauty shines brighter. Today I am not going to hide, I am not going to put on a display of strength or intellect. Today I am desperately searching, sitting in my brokenness, refusing to numb my pain, asking for help. I choose me. I am continuing a journey and now facing a new challenge of addiction. Simply a symptom of my larger disease. I believe in my resilience and I believe in a Universe that is waiting for me to listen, to let go and to trust.