Realization from a Mountain

Climbing a mountain is much like depression. You just keep going because the path is laid out in front of you and you don't know how to get off. It does not matter how exhausted you are, you have not gotten where you are supposed to be. 

I never intended to do the full 6-mile hike but I felt like I had to keep going till I saw "it". The view, the feeling, the sense of wonder but it never came. My hands swollen, arms burning from the sun, my legs shaking and the path ahead of me showed no relief.

I turned around, momentarily feeling defeated but then a rush of calm came over me. I started to notice the beauty and my soul surrendered. The tears began to fall. It felt so good to stop, to turn around, to end the struggle. It was only upon the long walk down that I realized just how far I had gone. Two and half hour strenuous hike on a body that is damn out of shape. I should have turned around sooner. 

The answer I was searching for is to find a way to turn around, to find ease, to notice, to remove a destination. Thank you, dear mountain. I am in aww of the ways the Universe cares for us when we listen. 

Don't Forget

I have been pondering one huge question lately. Who is my authentic self and how do I represent it unapologetically? I strive to be a person that shares my vulnerability like a shield of armor. I write these words today to remind myself to open, to love and to embrace.

A large part of living my authentic self is by removing boundaries that withhold true connection with others. The choice to not put labels or rules on relationships is controversial. But I trust. I surrender to not knowing the depth, duration, intimate nature of what I will share. There is no destination other than to follow my heart. I long for adventure, laughter, joy, intimacy, vulnerability, tears and deep connection.

I cannot truly be authentic to myself without valuing myself as an equal part of All That Is. I am enough, my body is enough, what I have to offer is enough. I am worthy of the journey. I tell Jake all the time he takes horrible pictures. He tries to capture me but I laugh in its awfulness. As I was deleting photos I evaluated as unflattering, I thought why do I pick myself apart like this. Why do I refuse to see my beauty? The angle must be just right while avoiding the “trouble areas”. Is that who I am? Is that capturing me? Lately I have been messaged by several people who have immediately commented on my “beautiful curves”. What is that? Why is that what you see? I would much rather you point out my words, my heart, my beauty. But would I feel the same if it was my brown eyes that you mention first? Why do I judge that is what you first appreciate about my body? This is how I shame myself and how I shame men. I need to embrace and accept all of me. I can’t let society tell me what areas of my body have value and which should be hidden. Be me.

A couple weeks ago, I received an email informing me that I made the Dean’s List. I rolled my eyes. I thought it means nothing because UNM is a joke. My brother asks me to ponder the idea that maybe it’s not that UNM only sucks but that I am in fact good at school and work hard for my grads. His words hit me like a ton of bricks. You see Ryan was always the smart one. He skipped a grad and was in honors programs. I was, in my mind, the stupid one. I struggling to learn to read and needed extra help. But when the smart one suggests that maybe it is that I am smart and good at school I listen. Because I did graduate high school with honors and did get into every college I applied to. I do have a very high GPA. Maybe I am good at it? Maybe I am THAT smart? Maybe I should be humble because I have a gift? Maybe the fact that it took me longer to learn in the beginning taught me a skill. It was never a matter of my IQ! How have I not seen this? So, my authentic self must admit that I am a full time student and mother of three who gets good grades, works hard, has the respect of my professors and have a lot to offer the world. Be proud of yourself.

I often tell people I am a Health Education major who is hoping to do work in sexual violence prevention and sex education. That is a slight copout. My interests vary in deep intimacy, tantra, non-monogamy, sexual healing, affirmative consent, sexual violence prevention, feminism, birth rights, toxic masculinity, GLBTQ rights, and creating inclusive space. These subjects are not the easiest to talk about publicly. I have a calling to create change. To combat rape culture. To empower women and fight against abusive nature of toxic masculinity. To free us from constructs of sexual orientation and gender. To see the spectrum and remove the need for restrictive labels.

My skies the last few months have been caste in gray. Society talks a lot about not stigmatizing mental health but it still feels pretty damn isolating. If I discuss PTSD, rape, depression, anxiety it makes you uncomfortable. It’s a RED LIGHT. It’s a stay away. Let it be known, it’s all part of me. I have no shame. I am warrior. I am survivor. AND I am a victim. Words have power and many survivors don’t like the work victim. I say the word victim with much pride. It was and IS a huge part in my journey. To me being a victim has freed me from guilt. It freed me from all the ignorant questions that were asked of me. Why did I trust him? Why did I go with him? Why did I not fight? Why did it take me so long to report it? The answer for me to all of these questions is because I was a victim. A victim of manipulation, of greed, of toxic masculinity, of society’s indoctrination of what it means to be a woman, of power and control. But I did survive. I did make every choice in the moment to this day to survive. Now I hope that my voice and story will help to stop the cycle of sexual violence in our society.

On a walk with a friend, without kids, I was asked a several questions. Have you gone backpacking? What concerts have you been to lately? Where have you gone camping? What trails have you hiked? What have you done?.... I am a MOTHER! I have spent the last eleven years raising children. What have I done? I have grown and birthed three babies. I have nursed them throughout the nights. Did you know I save people’s lives for a living? Yes, three children. I save their life every day. I teach them not to run in parking lots, to watch for cars, to chew their food, to not climb too high, not to wonder too far, to not touch hot things, my work never ends. I also teach them to love themselves and others. To be good friends and how to set healthy boundaries with others. I cut their finger nails, wash their body, oh and feed them food, a lot of food. I hold them till they fall asleep and kiss their heads. I enrich their lives by taking them to the zoo, museums, the outdoors. I bring them to school each day. I fill out paperwork everywhere times three. I go to teacher’s conferences. I make a ton of mistakes. I am a mother. I serve. I love. But I am not a mother who takes that role as bars that hold me back. I say yes to experiences. My babies are getting older. I have started to hike, to listen to live music, to say yes to love, to camping, to see the world. Explore with me. Experience with me. Some of these things I choose to do as a mother so my children will learn to not hold back but now I start to do it alone for me. I did not spend my 20s in a bar, or in the wilderness. I spent it doing the best thing I will EVER do as a human being, being a mother. See me.

Remember to be you because it’s pretty damn amazing.

I Lost Our Kid

Every parent has been there. You are in a public place, look away for a moment and they are gone. Its one of the stories you hear repeatedly though your life, the time when you went missing. It's usually played off with laughing years later but everyone knows the terror of those moments. Leo is my sweet, fearless boy. I strive at times for a label for him. I say he is on an IEP or he has stuff. But there is no one word to describe him. My father calls him Leo MaDeO The Real Deal. Maybe that says it better than anything, he is the real deal. He does everything full in, no fear, no pause, no limitations, just go. At his IEP conference last week they said “Leo may be one of those kids that needs movement to learn. It's something to watch for.” But all I wanted to do was look at them and say, “Did you hear me? I lost our kid.” Desperate for suggestions from his team on how to keep him safe. I can’t think about learning right now.

Just two days earlier when I left Leo sitting in a chair surrounded by family in a large suburban mall he went missing. He had vanished sitting next to everyone. I had left him for three minutes but the family I left him with did not KNOW Leo. They did not know how fast he could move, how he can bult, how clumsy and fearless he is. They did not know how much he is the Real Deal to which always means being ongard. You don’t relax, make any assumptions that he will do anything, not even something as simple as he will stay in his chair. I scanned the group with my eyes. “Uh oh, where is Leo.” I ask.

I begin. The frantic movements of a mother's body. Scan the crowd. Look under tables, around corners, look, ask, “Did you see a little boy?” But minutes passed and I realized this was my story. He was not just under the table or had wandered to a candy machine. He was gone. I look at this guy in a kiosk who is wanting to sell me something, I make eye contact and he starts his monologue. Interrupting I say, “Please call security, I lost our kid.” I begin to slowly spin, scanning frantically. He tries to get my attention, “Miss I need a description. Miss what does your kid look like?” I respond, I give just enough information and I start to run.

Where would he go? Maybe the toy store. Run there, scan every child, no Leo. Maybe the play area, no Leo. Maybe the ice cream shop, no Leo. I continue running the mall full of people on a Saturday afternoon. Darting bodies and at times running into people. I wondered what they thought, can’t you see I am mother who is frantically searching, it does not really need explanation or a request to help. You know my face. But no one stops me, no one says let me help you. My aunt running in different directions and now security. I see security in every direction. True panic. So many people looking now but no one is finding him.

I keep running back to the location we were sitting, where the rest of the kids are sitting with my Uncle, in the case he had been found. No Leo. I throw my purse on the table and prepare to run faster. Then the thought came, the thought that controls all parents minds in these moments, what if we can’t find him because someone took him. I turn around and run to the closest exit to where we were sitting. I scan the people walking to and from there cars, a police car sits and I think I should tell them. He announces “Yes, I know. I am watching here.” Horror hits knowing that the police are thinking the same thing I am. They are watching everyone going in and out of the building.

MYAH RUN!, says my mind. I go back in. Security stops me for a further description. Why would they ask a mother to stop moving? I needed to catch my breath unable to speak. Description given. Why are they not running too? RUN, search. Why still has no one asked to help me look? Don’t they remember? I think these were the same halls I walked as a teen, laughing with friends, shopping, escaping the cold, the hub of social interaction. You know me!

The thoughts continued, this is how it happens? This is how the first stage of a parent's worst nightmare happens. Soon I will be standing, sitting, unable to run, waiting to hear something. Why are they not putting something over the intercom. Find security. There is one, run to him. “Can we please put a call out, turn the music off?”

“Miss we have him.” My steps slow and I wait to hear it again. “We have him. He is okay. They are bringing him to the rotunda.” Talking over security radios. “I have the mother, we are coming your way.”

I turn the corner and there he is smiling getting a badge sticker. I think wow this guy must have kids, he is good with Leo. The security guard holding his socks. Why is holding his socks? In slow motion I pick him up and fall against the wall, sinking to the ground, tears now. He looks at me and says, “Mom where have you been, I was looking for you?” I think but can not say, my boy, I was looking for you! I can only say, “Where were you?”. He announced he had wanted to go play. The officer hands over his socks and explains he was in a different toy store all the way on the other side of the mall playing on a slide with his shoes and socks off.

I make eye contact with no one but hear distant voices explain they had all been there. My body shaking, my tears flowing, the people looking, my Leo as calm as always, unalarmed. “Buddy you can’t do that. Do you see how scared Mama is? You have to stay with me.” He softly places his hand on my face, “I am sorry mama, I’m okay.”  I sat there as my aunt now finds me with him, her face goes from terror to relief, to empathy as she sees me crumbled. I think, I guess I should have told you he bults. I guess I should have told you who he is.

The rest of the day I walked in a cloud, numb. The words echoed in my head, “I lost our kid.” Every parents been there but I felt like no one could see me. No one could see that I was still running. Later I had to look Jake in the eyes and explain that, “I lost our kid today.” I was full of guilt and feelings of failure. Failing to do the most basic of tasks, keep track of our kids. In the days that followed I was still exhausted from running, not physically but my being was tired. I had a panic attack in the Denver airport, how do I not lose him here?

I look at Leo now and realize I can never keep him safe. He is a full time job, countless times have I saved his life. I know there's no label, there is no way to explain to a person. Leo does everything with his full being. Just as he is fearless in his actions, he loves without pause. He trusts without stipulation. Be calm my heart, you can not try to contain water because its path is its own. Ride the current with him. Find the calm in the never ending motion. Be calm my heart. He is here now.

Resting & Getting Stronger

I have been quite lately. The last four months have been an intense learning experience with major changes in my life and relationships. I tend to write when I feel answers coming in but lately I have been living in trial and error. Finding my voice in the mist of others voices. Learning to love others without limitation, learning to share my time, learning to care for the spirits of those the most dear to me. 

The weight of the complexity of my life, the pain that resides in my body and the absence of my time on the mat has weakened my spirit like a virus. My mind telling myself to rise up, to see my light, my worthiness, my strength, my resolve but my spirit has been weakened. I scream at myself, fight, you are slipping, its urgent, do it now! But no matter how much I battle I can't seem to make headway. 

I know the only answer is to surrender. For now I must rest and gain my strength. Surrendering is scary for the fear of being completely consumed. But my spirit is strong and no darkness can ever extinguish my light. Maybe that is my answer. To stop controlling and to trust in a greater path. I am not asleep. I am dormant, very much alive. I feel myself getting stronger, maybe not as fast as I would like, but its happening. Just as the sun's return. 

I Have Fallen In Love

Oh New Mexico. You take my breath away. On a daily basics something causes me to pause in pure amazement of your beauty. The horizon that goes on forever, the blue skies that give me hope, the light storms that teach my heart to dance, the masterpieces painted in each sunset, the rain seen miles away, the rainbows that lead my way, the sun making the rivers shine, the peace eagles soaring above and the mountains embrace.

I have fallen in love. It took me two years to fully connect to the Earth here. Growing up in Minnesota I was surrounded by the beauty of the green trees and the blue of the water. When my heart was heavy or my spirit soaring I would go to the water to feel connected to All That Is. Though their is great energy in water, I realize now that it was the vastness that called me. It was the feeling of being held by something greater then myself.

The aspen trees will change soon. As I drive each curve up the mountain with anticipation, I will weep in awe when the trees glow of yellow. My soul has no boundaries here. Today I am feeling such deep gratitude and honor to be part of this place I call home.

Searching for My Anchor

Taos. My Heart Sores Here. 

Life has been offering a few blows and challenges. My health seems to be stabilizing some. My stomach is still sore and gets unhappy. Trying to figure out its triggers and ways I can help heal it. 

I have wanted to buy a house sense I was a child. It was always something I saw my friends have and was always jealous of. I use to dream of just having a front door of my own. As an adult I have wanted a home that was mine. That I could claim and make it reflect the person I am. Renting continuously feels hollow. Always worried about damaging, altering and keeping it generally to the liking of someone else. No paint, no holes in the wall, no creative planning and no projects. Also I have moved so much in my life. I want to be all in somewhere. I want to say this is home. Somehow buying a house seems to be the final act of commitment to a place. 

We have been working so hard at preparing our finances to buy. August was suppose to be the time. Well we have discovered that Jake will not get his huge raise till next year and thus we are stuck waiting another year to buy a house. Our credit report looks good but with student loans, our debt to income ratio is off to get approved for more then 150,000 (not much of a house here in Santa Fe). Fucking student loans. We are both on the IBR program and our payments are zero but the mortgage company will not take that into account. I know it will happen some day but it feels sad. 

1st & 3rd Grade

Jake is teaching band again which is great. On the other hand he has gotten totally screwed over this year. They have him driving back and forth between two schools. He literally drives from one to another and then back to the other. On Fridays he drives back and fourth twice. They also cut his program significantly. Why...because their reading scores are low. So instead of band they will be working on reading more. This has all been an unexpected stressor. I feel bad for Jake. He is powerless though he has the support of people in the district fighting for his program.

The girls are back in school and Leo will start preschool next week. They are happy kids. I do miss them. Tears flowed as drove away from the school on the first day. Letting go as I trust the Universe with their spirits. Our life could not seem more different then a week ago. I also start classes online next week. 

You would think I would be use to the whirlwind of change by now but transition is never easy. I am looking forward to having time to myself. A much needed three hours four days a week I am alone. Alone. My mind, spirit and body will rest. I will drink coffee alone, read books alone, go to yoga alone, take a shower alone. I will breath alone. It almost makes my body want to give to the ground from the mere thought of it. I get to honor my being for twelve precious hours a week.

I feel this great sense of grasping in my life right now. So much change at once. I just want to reach out and grab something to keep me anchored as the rest of the world swirls around me. 

My spirit has been deep in change. Reexamining my beliefs and awakening. Our spiritual paths are not something we talk about a lot in our society. If we do its all about the good stuff and not as much about the hard. My soul is as raw as it ever has been. Opening up to the world and everything it has to offer. So much of my path lately has been about opening and resisting the temptation to numb myself from the discomfort of life. Embracing experiences and people without the need to protect myself from potential hurt. Its a way I really want to live my life. No more holding back with emotional walls, a old copy mechanism that served me for a long time. But being open is vulnerable and hard. My chest feels exposed and is needing great care. I keep moving forward with my heart open in the mist of its tenderness, something I have never done before. Still I find refuge when I bow. My mat is my anchor returning my attention back to my body and my breath.  

Okay...Fine...Its not really all okay.

Recently I made the choice to back away from a FB group that has been a very large part of my life for years now. Their was a significant falling out that I never would have seen happening. It was a space and a community of mothers I seriously thought I would grow old with. But my heart was deeply hurt. The lesson that came out of all of this for me was I needed to begin to invest in people that I can hug, can wipe a tear or laugh with till we pee. I need them to see my flesh so that they can see my full being. It is far too easy to have communication errors and hurt feelings while online. But I miss them more than words can say. I want to know what's going on in there life and share my journey with them. I don’t feel as strong without them cheering me on. I am very aware of how deeply I am needing to find community. I have moved so much in the last ten years. I miss family and it’s been hard to maintain friendships. I am thankful for a handful of friends that no matter the distance, our connection never falters.

I had created a really good balance of self care within my life. But my sickness lately has disturbed all of that. Spending days in bed and unable to go to yoga. My diet has had to be altered to slow down weight lost and comfort my hurting tummy. It’s been really scary being sick and not knowing why. To feel pain in my body I don’t understand. I have also taken some risks with my heart. Its turmoil can be consuming, as can my constant analysis.

I am in such a tender spot. I have had to be pretty strong facing a lot of my health stuff alone. Not having anyone to care for our kids means spending hours in the ER by myself, talking to doctors, tests, procedures and diagnosis that potentially could greatly affect my life delivered without a hand to hold. None of this really bothered me till Wednesday when I got my third IV in two weeks, had multiple nurses working on finding a vein, waiting an hour to go back for my procedures while everyone else around me had family or friends by their side. Being rolled into an OR is one of the scariest feeling ever for me, trusting people I just met with my life.

Without any warning, it all came crashing down last night. The pain, loneliness, heart full of turmoil, disconnection to self and all that being strong. My spirit needs extra care.

I am beyond thankful for Jake who has been by my side the last couple weeks. He has had to take way more of his share of parenting. And last night he saw all those emotions colliding into big tears before I did. This weekend I am reaching out to some very special New Mexicans. I am going to a meditation retreat in Taos. Needing to connect to my inner wisdom and honor my vulnerability.