I Have Fallen In Love

Oh New Mexico. You take my breath away. On a daily basics something causes me to pause in pure amazement of your beauty. The horizon that goes on forever, the blue skies that give me hope, the light storms that teach my heart to dance, the masterpieces painted in each sunset, the rain seen miles away, the rainbows that lead my way, the sun making the rivers shine, the peace eagles soaring above and the mountains embrace.

I have fallen in love. It took me two years to fully connect to the Earth here. Growing up in Minnesota I was surrounded by the beauty of the green trees and the blue of the water. When my heart was heavy or my spirit soaring I would go to the water to feel connected to All That Is. Though their is great energy in water, I realize now that it was the vastness that called me. It was the feeling of being held by something greater then myself.

The aspen trees will change soon. As I drive each curve up the mountain with anticipation, I will weep in awe when the trees glow of yellow. My soul has no boundaries here. Today I am feeling such deep gratitude and honor to be part of this place I call home.

Searching for My Anchor

Taos. My Heart Sores Here. 

Life has been offering a few blows and challenges. My health seems to be stabilizing some. My stomach is still sore and gets unhappy. Trying to figure out its triggers and ways I can help heal it. 

I have wanted to buy a house sense I was a child. It was always something I saw my friends have and was always jealous of. I use to dream of just having a front door of my own. As an adult I have wanted a home that was mine. That I could claim and make it reflect the person I am. Renting continuously feels hollow. Always worried about damaging, altering and keeping it generally to the liking of someone else. No paint, no holes in the wall, no creative planning and no projects. Also I have moved so much in my life. I want to be all in somewhere. I want to say this is home. Somehow buying a house seems to be the final act of commitment to a place. 

We have been working so hard at preparing our finances to buy. August was suppose to be the time. Well we have discovered that Jake will not get his huge raise till next year and thus we are stuck waiting another year to buy a house. Our credit report looks good but with student loans, our debt to income ratio is off to get approved for more then 150,000 (not much of a house here in Santa Fe). Fucking student loans. We are both on the IBR program and our payments are zero but the mortgage company will not take that into account. I know it will happen some day but it feels sad. 

1st & 3rd Grade

Jake is teaching band again which is great. On the other hand he has gotten totally screwed over this year. They have him driving back and forth between two schools. He literally drives from one to another and then back to the other. On Fridays he drives back and fourth twice. They also cut his program significantly. Why...because their reading scores are low. So instead of band they will be working on reading more. This has all been an unexpected stressor. I feel bad for Jake. He is powerless though he has the support of people in the district fighting for his program.

The girls are back in school and Leo will start preschool next week. They are happy kids. I do miss them. Tears flowed as drove away from the school on the first day. Letting go as I trust the Universe with their spirits. Our life could not seem more different then a week ago. I also start classes online next week. 

You would think I would be use to the whirlwind of change by now but transition is never easy. I am looking forward to having time to myself. A much needed three hours four days a week I am alone. Alone. My mind, spirit and body will rest. I will drink coffee alone, read books alone, go to yoga alone, take a shower alone. I will breath alone. It almost makes my body want to give to the ground from the mere thought of it. I get to honor my being for twelve precious hours a week.

I feel this great sense of grasping in my life right now. So much change at once. I just want to reach out and grab something to keep me anchored as the rest of the world swirls around me. 

My spirit has been deep in change. Reexamining my beliefs and awakening. Our spiritual paths are not something we talk about a lot in our society. If we do its all about the good stuff and not as much about the hard. My soul is as raw as it ever has been. Opening up to the world and everything it has to offer. So much of my path lately has been about opening and resisting the temptation to numb myself from the discomfort of life. Embracing experiences and people without the need to protect myself from potential hurt. Its a way I really want to live my life. No more holding back with emotional walls, a old copy mechanism that served me for a long time. But being open is vulnerable and hard. My chest feels exposed and is needing great care. I keep moving forward with my heart open in the mist of its tenderness, something I have never done before. Still I find refuge when I bow. My mat is my anchor returning my attention back to my body and my breath.  

Okay...Fine...Its not really all okay.

Recently I made the choice to back away from a FB group that has been a very large part of my life for years now. Their was a significant falling out that I never would have seen happening. It was a space and a community of mothers I seriously thought I would grow old with. But my heart was deeply hurt. The lesson that came out of all of this for me was I needed to begin to invest in people that I can hug, can wipe a tear or laugh with till we pee. I need them to see my flesh so that they can see my full being. It is far too easy to have communication errors and hurt feelings while online. But I miss them more than words can say. I want to know what's going on in there life and share my journey with them. I don’t feel as strong without them cheering me on. I am very aware of how deeply I am needing to find community. I have moved so much in the last ten years. I miss family and it’s been hard to maintain friendships. I am thankful for a handful of friends that no matter the distance, our connection never falters.

I had created a really good balance of self care within my life. But my sickness lately has disturbed all of that. Spending days in bed and unable to go to yoga. My diet has had to be altered to slow down weight lost and comfort my hurting tummy. It’s been really scary being sick and not knowing why. To feel pain in my body I don’t understand. I have also taken some risks with my heart. Its turmoil can be consuming, as can my constant analysis.

I am in such a tender spot. I have had to be pretty strong facing a lot of my health stuff alone. Not having anyone to care for our kids means spending hours in the ER by myself, talking to doctors, tests, procedures and diagnosis that potentially could greatly affect my life delivered without a hand to hold. None of this really bothered me till Wednesday when I got my third IV in two weeks, had multiple nurses working on finding a vein, waiting an hour to go back for my procedures while everyone else around me had family or friends by their side. Being rolled into an OR is one of the scariest feeling ever for me, trusting people I just met with my life.

Without any warning, it all came crashing down last night. The pain, loneliness, heart full of turmoil, disconnection to self and all that being strong. My spirit needs extra care.

I am beyond thankful for Jake who has been by my side the last couple weeks. He has had to take way more of his share of parenting. And last night he saw all those emotions colliding into big tears before I did. This weekend I am reaching out to some very special New Mexicans. I am going to a meditation retreat in Taos. Needing to connect to my inner wisdom and honor my vulnerability.

Lets Be Pirates Voyaging the Land of the Heart

I have been pondering the word "capacity" the last few weeks. Examining my own boundaries and untapped expansion. I know fully that my heart has no limitation. Its ability to love and be loved is as vast as the Universe. My fear of exposing my heart to the possible discomfort and hurt tends to hold me back. But this morning the house was quite and all my beloveds asleep. My heart open and vulnerable. Their is a connection I feel to All That Is and a pureness to my love. Right now, here in this moment, my capacity is greater then I can imagine. Their is no fear or longing. Only acceptance with great appreciation. 

As my kids awaken and the request for food come in all directions, I feel my heart clench. I notice its desire to protect from the anticipation of doing without connection. I wonder how much of my life can be lived from a place of true authentic Light. To be, to do, to love and to receive with my heart open. That self full of my own worthy light is fighting to emerge from hiding. The pain in my body telling me to be here, The light rising over the mountain telling me to be here. As I start the motions of the day, my little boy pulls me close saying, "I just want to love you." He is asking me to be fully present with him while he transitions to the day. I am here my love. I am fully here with you in this moment. Lets be pirates voyaging the land of the heart. Teach me what you know better than any adult can. Lets be here.

A Deep Deep Hole to the Center of Mother Earth

These last few months have been full of transition. Jake has been working endless amount of time on his master's thesis and I have had to hold the fort together in the meanwhile. In January I told myself this may be the hardest six months of your life but you will survive. I decided to push my wants and needs as deep down as I could. To be strong for Jake so he can focus on his paper. I fully expected I would dive into a depression from loneliness and the pressure of taking the share of parenting three young kids. 

That type of thinking seems so foreign to me now. Because something happened I did not expect. I did not dive into a depression or fall apart at my seams. I stood strong, not from pushing away my needs but by embracing them. I found my voice and became my own companion. 

The school year was good one. Avi made massive progresses in her reading and had an amazing teacher that gave her the extra attention she needed. But more than anything she is happy and showing so much less anxiety at her current school. Nika as always was her happy self. Sharing her light with the world. She is one smart kido. Leo had some big transitions too. He ended all of his therapies at home with New Vistas Early Education and was transferred to the school district with an IEP. He was able to go to preschool for five weeks before the end of the year and received services. He is getting physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech. Their is no doubt that he can be challenging but he is making great strides. He is incredibly sweet and I feel so supported in my journey of parenting him.

I had two amazing weekend in Taos learning mindfulness and meditation. Walls shattered and transformed. I learned to look at myself with compassion and love. My practice of yoga gave me structure to my self care. The way I think has changed, especially in relationship to self. My reality thus has changed. My weight loss is only a symptom of the massive changes within.

In the midst of all of this my dad and stepmom have separated. Their is big losses in this, especially for my kids. A lot of magic is gone for them. I have been honored to hold space for my dad in this time. His transformation along side mine has been a gift to be part of. We go to yoga together and have long talks about the meaning of life. We drink our coffee together and in the those few minutes it's nice to feel connection to him before we start our days. Each night that he is home he reeds books to my kids and tells them his famous Sammy Squirrel stories. Epic adventures take place in my kids imagination as he process their struggles in his story telling.

Even with Jake working and spending most of his free time writing we are as connected as we ever have been. Cheering each other on and watching each of our processes. Our relationship transforming, molding, expanding to new adventures. More love, less boundaries and radical honesty.

I have found the calm in the storm. Learned to counter the swells of life. The voice inside that tells me lies, that tells me to brace myself for the storm is getting quieter. The voice wonders, will Jake have a flare when his stress level lowers, will we be able to buy a house in the fall as we have dreamed, will holidays still find the same magic for us, will we be financially stable, will my kids continue to grow and be happy, will I continue to prioritize myself. I honor that voice and I hear you. But I say back, “Right now we are okay, notice.”

Leo woke up this morning telling me tales from his dreams. A boy with a speech delay talked endlessly to me at five in the morning as the sun came over the mountains and shined onto our bed. Volcanos, lava, fire trucks, lakes, fishing, rescues, cowboys, lassos and foxes. In the end a fox, I often think of as my spirit animal, digs a hole deep deep into the center of Mother Earth and our family jumps in together.

Just maybe the fox is guiding us to the center of it all, just like Leo's dream. We are finding peace in Mother Earth's embrace.

Why Yoga is changing my life...

I have struggled with my weight since I was teen and thus I have struggled with my self esteem. I have known everything I needed to lose weight. I could never figure out the emotional eating. Bored...eating will give me something to do. Feeling sad...eating will make me happy. Feeling anxious...eating will calm me. No matter how many times I tried to lose weight...I ALWAYS fail. My brain constantly told me I was going to fail because I always have.

But then someone told me this, “Your past does not need to dictate your future!” Something changed in that moment. I became freed to be successful. I choose to take risk, live confidently, to see my own beauty and worthiness.

I began to challenge every negative thought. The voice in my head lies to me all the time. It lies to me so many times that I don’t even know what reality is any more. I began a practice of mindfulness and started going to yoga five days a week. My yoga classes are held in a room heated between 85-95 degrees with humidity around 45%. Its physically challenging yoga meant to create strength. The first few classes I melted, I nearly fainted. I would stare in the mirror and tell myself I was too fat for this. But I came the next day again because when I walked in the door is was about me. There was no requests asked of me other than to serve my needs. It became a refuge for my soul. I started to look at the mirror and say, “You are badass.’

As I continued to feed my soul with yoga and mindfulness, my eating began to shift. Food was losing its power over me. I wasn’t eating my emotions. Its not that it isn’t hard for me some days. I have bad eating days. The difference now is that I don’t say, “See you're failing like you always have.” But instead I am saying, “You had a rough day.” Thats it. I notice that I had a bad eating day but I don’t focus on it. I don’t give it grand meaning. I start again the next day. I freed myself of guilt.

On my sixth yoga class, the instructor asked me what I wanted to focus on and I told her I need more clues on how to modify things. Halfway through the class she said grab six blocks and meet me at the wall. I was freaking out inside and preparing to be embarrassed again. She had me place three yoga blocks under each shoulder with my head hanging in between and then I was to kick my legs up to the wall. I thought there's no way in hell I can get my fat ass up on that wall. The voice in my head was abusive and terrified. But I trusted my instructor and I tried. I kicked up a few times and she gave me some more instruction. I was dying inside. But then I tried again and I fucking did it. Then I did it again. The next day I tried without the blocks and it was no problem. Few days later I learned to lift my head up off the floor and to support my body with my forearms. I have yet to figure out the handstand but it's close.

Last night's yoga was incredibly hard and focused on the hips (not my favorite). The class was packed and I was struggling with my confidence. Nearing the end of class. The instructor asked us to clear the the floor and meet her at the front. She put us in lines and demonstrated cartwheels. Again I was dieing. The voice told me I was too big for that. It told me I couldn't. But I was in line and it was going to happen. I prepared and went for it. You know what? I flew. I did three cartwheels perfectly with bouncy. I honestly had no clue I could do that.  People commented on how well I did and I was equally shocked. I then looked over in the corner and there was a woman about my size who did not want to try. I use to be her but now I say yes. I try. I surprise myself.

After both of these classes I wept with joy. Its an amazing opportunity to be given the chance to prove yourself wrong. To tell the voices to shut the fuck up. To tell yourself, your past does not dictate your future. My body has so much more power then I think it does.

I have lost 30 pounds. My clothes are falling off, my body is toner, my boobs are smaller (I got to buy my first Victoria Secret bra!), I can run longer, food had less power in my life, I have a confidence and love for myself that I have never felt.

I am worthy to feel loved, to have friendship, worthy of time to myself, worthy to feel joy in the midst of others suffering, worthy to feel the energy of the Universe flow through me. I am not dictated by anything. My light shines bright and I feel the web of light that connects it all. Not only am I worthy, I know that I can do it. I believe in my light.

The Goal Now is to Find Identity without Doing

Raising young kids takes every ounce of energy you have. It is the most selfless time of your life. You spend your days watching them grow. Your hours are spent nursing, feeding, holding, teaching, and protecting them.  For the rest of my life I will have to let go as the twine unravels. It is one of the scariest emotions of my life. Trusting others with their heart and spirit. But I put my girls on a bus this year. And as I stood there as the tears flow down my face, the vacancy of purpose was fully felt. My heart ached but something inside of me pushed me forward. It’s your time. Do the work. Heal. Open. Create. Find joy.

All of this lead me to reflecting on my childhood and education. When I was young I was often withheld from the arts. It was something “I did not need.” Instead I would work with teachers on my reading, spelling and writing that were far behind my classmates. Their was this book of the most used 1000 words in the english language and I would study them. Read them. Write them. Spell them. Be them. And when they were mastered they would get crossed off and I would start the next ten words. 

As I went to middle school. I was not allowed to be in choir, band or orchestra. I took study hall with teachers to help me with my homework. As I grew older into high school I receive attention and praise for school work. I had learned at a young age the joy of surprising people when they underestimated me. That is why I ended up graduating with honors. I wanted the world to know that I was capable. But what I did not realize is the depth of the damage that was caused by judging myself on what I could produce. With a grade given on a piece of paper that means nothing now. I did not realize that I was withheld from creative expression. What a horrible thing to do to a child. Take away art and place all attention on the “core subjects.” There is a calling inside of me. I need to become my own arts teacher. As I put my toes in the water I am taken back at how alive I feel. Self expression is blood for the soul.

Recently I was photographed by the amazing Anna Yorrow for her Spirit & Bone collection. A collection about rawness, women, childhood, nature and transformation. When talking about my life I often talk about walls and shields that I have built to protect myself. As I sat in front of the camera, my witness, I found myself creating structure and a feeling of disappoint came over me. In the moment I interpreted the structures as barriers to protect me from the rawness of the experience. But as the experience began to unfold within me, it became clear that the structures did not represent shields but creation. The rocks, the sticks, the dead grass, the feathers, the debris were my building blocks. Building a being made full of strength and tenderness just like the rocks that crumble in my hands. Rotten trees fell at my feet. But there was life in the midst of it all. Flowering cacti at my back. Encouraging me to awaken.

I don’t have much experience with chakras. I do know that my heart chakra has always been a place of great pain for me. Jake and I have dabbled a little in tantric sex. But being a rape survivor it is challenging for me to give fully in this way. In recent years I have been able to be more fully present with intimacy. Recently I had a mystical experienced while making love. As the motions began I felt disconnected. I caught myself and asked my heart to open. In that moment it felt like my heart chakra broke open. My breath moved easily through my chest. I felt deeply connected to All That Is. But even more I felt worthy. I felt worthy of touch, of attraction and of love. In that moment I felt radical acceptance of myself and weeped with joy.

I am at a threshold. Letting go of old coping methods that no longer serve me. Its interesting that the more connected I become with myself the more I crave connection with others. Sharing vulnerability is a strength and much needed honesty in our culture.

Here is my reading from the gallery opening...

Sometimes I wonder if becoming a mother was a cop-out.

At twenty I had lost everything. Not my belongings, my family, or my friends. I had lost myself. A man took that from me.

I worry that people don’t want to read another story about a woman finding herself after rape. It’s like a broken record. It’s “here we go again.”  

But my chalkboard, that once described my essence, was wiped clean. My dreams taken by the wind.

Can a women become broken when her bones are intact? When her flesh is unblemished?

And if women can...what heals her?

Can the love of a man or the weight of a baby? What heals her heart? What heals a life unlived?

I have felt the loving caress of a man and I have held three babies in my arms. I have fed them from my breast and birthed them from my shadows.

But if you take them all away. If you take the roles of wife and mother. What is left?

Brokenness. My roles are a blanket that shields the work undone.

My chalkboard still wiped clean. Vacancy.

I tend to hold these blankets close, thinking they are offering protection from the world.

But all along the blankets themselves were preventing my healing. Blocking the light from shining on my broken bones and blemished skin.

I have given my blankets up to the Universe. I have let my roles as mother and wife stand beside me and not cover me.

Now I stand in this dry river bed. With my brokenness.

I begin again. My bones and tissues begin to mend. My chalkboard, my canvas.