These last few months have been full of transition. Jake has been working endless amount of time on his master's thesis and I have had to hold the fort together in the meanwhile. In January I told myself this may be the hardest six months of your life but you will survive. I decided to push my wants and needs as deep down as I could. To be strong for Jake so he can focus on his paper. I fully expected I would dive into a depression from loneliness and the pressure of taking the share of parenting three young kids. That type of thinking seems so foreign to me now. Because something happened I did not expect. I did not dive into a depression or fall apart at my seams. I stood strong, not from pushing away my needs but by embracing them. I found my voice and became my own companion.
The school year was good one. Avi made massive progresses in her reading and had an amazing teacher that gave her the extra attention she needed. But more than anything she is happy and showing so much less anxiety at her current school. Nika as always was her happy self. Sharing her light with the world. She is one smart kido. Leo had some big transitions too. He ended all of his therapies at home with New Vistas Early Education and was transferred to the school district with an IEP. He was able to go to preschool for five weeks before the end of the year and received services. He is getting physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech. Their is no doubt that he can be challenging but he is making great strides. He is incredibly sweet and I feel so supported in my journey of parenting him.
I had two amazing weekend in Taos learning mindfulness and meditation. Walls shattered and transformed. I learned to look at myself with compassion and love. My practice of yoga gave me structure to my self care. The way I think has changed, especially in relationship to self. My reality thus has changed. My weight loss is only a symptom of the massive changes within.
In the midst of all of this my dad and stepmom have separated. Their is big losses in this, especially for my kids. A lot of magic is gone for them. I have been honored to hold space for my dad in this time. His transformation along side mine has been a gift to be part of. We go to yoga together and have long talks about the meaning of life. We drink our coffee together and in the those few minutes it's nice to feel connection to him before we start our days. Each night that he is home he reeds books to my kids and tells them his famous Sammy Squirrel stories. Epic adventures take place in my kids imagination as he process their struggles in his story telling.
Even with Jake working and spending most of his free time writing we are as connected as we ever have been. Cheering each other on and watching each of our processes. Our relationship transforming, molding, expanding to new adventures. More love, less boundaries and radical honesty.
I have found the calm in the storm. Learned to counter the swells of life. The voice inside that tells me lies, that tells me to brace myself for the storm is getting quieter. The voice wonders, will Jake have a flare when his stress level lowers, will we be able to buy a house in the fall as we have dreamed, will holidays still find the same magic for us, will we be financially stable, will my kids continue to grow and be happy, will I continue to prioritize myself. I honor that voice and I hear you. But I say back, “Right now we are okay, notice.”
Leo woke up this morning telling me tales from his dreams. A boy with a speech delay talked endlessly to me at five in the morning as the sun came over the mountains and shined onto our bed. Volcanos, lava, fire trucks, lakes, fishing, rescues, cowboys, lassos and foxes. In the end a fox, I often think of as my spirit animal, digs a hole deep deep into the center of Mother Earth and our family jumps in together.
Just maybe the fox is guiding us to the center of it all, just like Leo's dream. We are finding peace in Mother Earth's embrace.
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