I have struggled with my weight since I was teen and thus I have struggled with my self esteem. I have known everything I needed to lose weight. I could never figure out the emotional eating. Bored...eating will give me something to do. Feeling sad...eating will make me happy. Feeling anxious...eating will calm me. No matter how many times I tried to lose weight...I ALWAYS fail. My brain constantly told me I was going to fail because I always have.
But then someone told me this, “Your past does not need to dictate your future!” Something changed in that moment. I became freed to be successful. I choose to take risk, live confidently, to see my own beauty and worthiness.
I began to challenge every negative thought. The voice in my head lies to me all the time. It lies to me so many times that I don’t even know what reality is any more. I began a practice of mindfulness and started going to yoga five days a week. My yoga classes are held in a room heated between 85-95 degrees with humidity around 45%. Its physically challenging yoga meant to create strength. The first few classes I melted, I nearly fainted. I would stare in the mirror and tell myself I was too fat for this. But I came the next day again because when I walked in the door is was about me. There was no requests asked of me other than to serve my needs. It became a refuge for my soul. I started to look at the mirror and say, “You are badass.’
As I continued to feed my soul with yoga and mindfulness, my eating began to shift. Food was losing its power over me. I wasn’t eating my emotions. Its not that it isn’t hard for me some days. I have bad eating days. The difference now is that I don’t say, “See you're failing like you always have.” But instead I am saying, “You had a rough day.” Thats it. I notice that I had a bad eating day but I don’t focus on it. I don’t give it grand meaning. I start again the next day. I freed myself of guilt.
On my sixth yoga class, the instructor asked me what I wanted to focus on and I told her I need more clues on how to modify things. Halfway through the class she said grab six blocks and meet me at the wall. I was freaking out inside and preparing to be embarrassed again. She had me place three yoga blocks under each shoulder with my head hanging in between and then I was to kick my legs up to the wall. I thought there's no way in hell I can get my fat ass up on that wall. The voice in my head was abusive and terrified. But I trusted my instructor and I tried. I kicked up a few times and she gave me some more instruction. I was dying inside. But then I tried again and I fucking did it. Then I did it again. The next day I tried without the blocks and it was no problem. Few days later I learned to lift my head up off the floor and to support my body with my forearms. I have yet to figure out the handstand but it's close.
Last night's yoga was incredibly hard and focused on the hips (not my favorite). The class was packed and I was struggling with my confidence. Nearing the end of class. The instructor asked us to clear the the floor and meet her at the front. She put us in lines and demonstrated cartwheels. Again I was dieing. The voice told me I was too big for that. It told me I couldn't. But I was in line and it was going to happen. I prepared and went for it. You know what? I flew. I did three cartwheels perfectly with bouncy. I honestly had no clue I could do that. People commented on how well I did and I was equally shocked. I then looked over in the corner and there was a woman about my size who did not want to try. I use to be her but now I say yes. I try. I surprise myself.
After both of these classes I wept with joy. Its an amazing opportunity to be given the chance to prove yourself wrong. To tell the voices to shut the fuck up. To tell yourself, your past does not dictate your future. My body has so much more power then I think it does.
I have lost 30 pounds. My clothes are falling off, my body is toner, my boobs are smaller (I got to buy my first Victoria Secret bra!), I can run longer, food had less power in my life, I have a confidence and love for myself that I have never felt.
I am worthy to feel loved, to have friendship, worthy of time to myself, worthy to feel joy in the midst of others suffering, worthy to feel the energy of the Universe flow through me. I am not dictated by anything. My light shines bright and I feel the web of light that connects it all. Not only am I worthy, I know that I can do it. I believe in my light.
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