Okay...Fine...Its not really all okay.

Recently I made the choice to back away from a FB group that has been a very large part of my life for years now. Their was a significant falling out that I never would have seen happening. It was a space and a community of mothers I seriously thought I would grow old with. But my heart was deeply hurt. The lesson that came out of all of this for me was I needed to begin to invest in people that I can hug, can wipe a tear or laugh with till we pee. I need them to see my flesh so that they can see my full being. It is far too easy to have communication errors and hurt feelings while online. But I miss them more than words can say. I want to know what's going on in there life and share my journey with them. I don’t feel as strong without them cheering me on. I am very aware of how deeply I am needing to find community. I have moved so much in the last ten years. I miss family and it’s been hard to maintain friendships. I am thankful for a handful of friends that no matter the distance, our connection never falters.

I had created a really good balance of self care within my life. But my sickness lately has disturbed all of that. Spending days in bed and unable to go to yoga. My diet has had to be altered to slow down weight lost and comfort my hurting tummy. It’s been really scary being sick and not knowing why. To feel pain in my body I don’t understand. I have also taken some risks with my heart. Its turmoil can be consuming, as can my constant analysis.

I am in such a tender spot. I have had to be pretty strong facing a lot of my health stuff alone. Not having anyone to care for our kids means spending hours in the ER by myself, talking to doctors, tests, procedures and diagnosis that potentially could greatly affect my life delivered without a hand to hold. None of this really bothered me till Wednesday when I got my third IV in two weeks, had multiple nurses working on finding a vein, waiting an hour to go back for my procedures while everyone else around me had family or friends by their side. Being rolled into an OR is one of the scariest feeling ever for me, trusting people I just met with my life.

Without any warning, it all came crashing down last night. The pain, loneliness, heart full of turmoil, disconnection to self and all that being strong. My spirit needs extra care.

I am beyond thankful for Jake who has been by my side the last couple weeks. He has had to take way more of his share of parenting. And last night he saw all those emotions colliding into big tears before I did. This weekend I am reaching out to some very special New Mexicans. I am going to a meditation retreat in Taos. Needing to connect to my inner wisdom and honor my vulnerability.