About Elle

I have resisted discussing Elle’s transition publicly out of a lot of fear. It didn’t feel like mine to comment on and my process seemed trivial to hers. With that said I didn’t give myself room to honor my story. I also didn’t speak my support in the way I truly feel. Elle’s gender identity was no surprise to me. Because we didn’t talk about it publicly, I know people pictured Elle coming up to me one day announcing they were a woman. I then think people thought I went and found a man to replace Elle. I could not control what people thought but I tried to show up with as much love as I could. Elle told me they were gender fluid on our second date. There were never any secrets. Our marriage was a harbor for Elle to express her feminie energy. I supported and created space for Elle to present female. I bought clothes, did make up and made love with Elle for the fifteen years we were together. But we did this all behind closed doors.

We were a queer couple living in the closet. Elle believed for most of that time that a full transition wasn’t something she wanted. I did find that comforting and believed it to be true. After reflecting for the past few years I have come to understand that I am attracted to gentle masculine energy. Even as a bi woman, it's the masculine energy in women that attracts me. I have felt so much shame for this. I feared I wasn’t this socially progressive person who can radically accept everyone. I was supposed to love Elle for Elle. I told myself that Jake and Elle are the same person thus my romantic love should be the same. I didn’t give myself enough credit. Radically accepting everyone does not mean being attracted to everyone. I fell in love with a dynamic loving masculine man. I created a life with Jake and I did miss him. The more I felt like Jake was disappearing, the more grief I felt and that followed with so much shame.

When we lived in Minnesota Elle struggled with dysphoria and it was literally killing her. They were sicker by the day with an auto-immune disease. I held them multiple times thinking they were going to die in my arms. I had accepted that I most likely was going to be a widow with three young kids. Thinking that the weather was a huge factor in her illness we took a leap to leave our community, family and home to save Elle’s life. We moved to Santa Fe, NM. A year after living here Elle was becoming stronger. She had a colonoscopy that didn’t show Crohn’s disease. They stopped having flares and came off all their medications. It was everything we hoped for. We both see now the true toll on Jake's body was hating himself.

On a road trip early in our time as New Mexicans, Elle turned to me and said that she would like to start hormones. I was genuinely excited. Who doesn’t want a husband with secret BOOBS? Elle explained again they don’t want to do a full transition but want to see if their brain gets the hormones it craves if the dysphoria would lessen. I saw her fear in this choice but she was ready. I don’t think I have ever been more proud of Elle than at that moment. As time moved forward, Jake seemed to be disappearing and Elle began to show up more often. I know she has always been Elle but I got to see her more. It was a confusing time. I woke up each day not knowing who I would interact with. How they carried their body, their voice, the way they communicated, their sexual desires and their contentment for life would shift. I missed my husband and I felt horrible for it.

I had always respected Elle’s request to stay in the closet. Her whole life she has been ashamed of who she is. I had grown up in a socially progressive community and had the queer community all around me. Elle was raised in conservative area and had never been shown acceptance of who she was. We also had eleven years of social progression between us. But there became a time where I was no longer comfortable living in the closet. I wanted to scream to the world that we were a queer family, that I loved a trans women and I inherently was queer myself. I needed community and support. Elle wasn’t ready yet. This was a breaking point. The toll of living in the closet was a lot on our relationship.

Elle and I had many problems completely unrelated to her gender identity, like any long term couple. In a hope to find a more supportive community for us, we also lived in the closet as a polyamorous couple. We had both dated and loved others. Again it may have looked one way to the outside world but there were no secrets. My relationship with George was not a reaction to Elle's transition but simply a way of life we had agreed upon from the very beginning. So much of my life was hidden away and with it my authentic identity. I was no longer willing to walk through life presenting a lie. We began our individual journey to find ourselves. I tried many things to find myself but I know now that journey was truly inside of myself. Elle has shared with me that my desire to end our romantic relationship set them free, maybe it did for us both. It was a wake up call to our own truth and pushed us forward to be the authentic woman we were.

Elle and I taught our kids to love everyone. They knew about different sexualities and gender identities from the moment they were born. But their parents' gender identity was kept from them till Elle and I started to grow apart. Their Mapa, the kids loving name for Elle, started to let themselves be seen and our kids have never once expressed anything but support. I was worried for them. Will they be bullied and accepted? How will this affect them? Will they be safe? But it has become one of their many superpowers. The kids have learned to love and accept others in a way I could only dream. They have become my teacher.

Aviana shared with me recently that people do stare at them in public with their other mom. She had begun to confront people defending their mom. Saying things like, “What are you staring at?” We know how many trans women are victims of hate crimes. I was scared and I had to talk with my kids about safety. I had to explain that many people hate trans women like their mom and we can’t challenge strangers. This was one of the hardest conversations of my life. Preparing your children for hate and potential violence because of their Mapa's gender.

Last summer Elle had a concert in the Railyard. George and I brought all the kids. The kids were so proud of their mom being their total authentic self in front of so many people performing. We danced and laughed. You could feel and see the joy. When she got off the stage the kids ran to her and hugged her. In that moment I felt so much pride for the family we created, for the love we will always share, for Elle’s journey, for the love my children have. Afterwards, we all chatted and Elle left for home with the kids. I followed her, carrying all the kids' stuff as they all walked hand and hand to the car. They passed a couple walking. This couple stopped, turned around, stared and then laughed profusely. I was horrified and prepared all of my responses in my head. But I looked past them to my family and none of them noticed. Nothing could touch the love they were floating on. I knew I could not protect my kids from the world but I had taught them to live their truths without shame.

A few months ago Avi came out as gay to me. Fitting with her generation, she came out in a text meme sitting right next to me on the couch. I looked over to her and tears flowed down her face. I said, “Is this real? Are you coming out to me?” She nodded in confirmation and I pulled her into me. I have never been more proud of her. I confirmed she was loved, accepted and even more celebrated. I want nothing more than for you to be you.

Elle and I can now both stand on top of the mountain and say “This is who I am.” We cheer each other on. We have struggles but we love as big as we can. I am so proud of who you are Elle. Thank you for teaching us all how to be our authentic self, even in a world that may not always accept it. Your ability to simply live your truth allows us all to live our own. Thank you for teaching our daughter that she gets to be unapologetically herself. Hell, thanks for teaching me that I get to be unapologetically myself. I wish I could offer you and our kids a more loving world. I wish I could always know you will be safe in body and spirit. But today and every day, I choose love. You are not alone. Be free. Be you. Be Elle.