About Elle

I have resisted discussing Elle’s transition publicly out of a lot of fear. It didn’t feel like mine to comment on and my process seemed trivial to hers. With that said I didn’t give myself room to honor my story. I also didn’t speak my support in the way I truly feel. Elle’s gender identity was no surprise to me. Because we didn’t talk about it publicly, I know people pictured Elle coming up to me one day announcing they were a woman. I then think people thought I went and found a man to replace Elle. I could not control what people thought but I tried to show up with as much love as I could. Elle told me they were gender fluid on our second date. There were never any secrets. Our marriage was a harbor for Elle to express her feminie energy. I supported and created space for Elle to present female. I bought clothes, did make up and made love with Elle for the fifteen years we were together. But we did this all behind closed doors.

We were a queer couple living in the closet. Elle believed for most of that time that a full transition wasn’t something she wanted. I did find that comforting and believed it to be true. After reflecting for the past few years I have come to understand that I am attracted to gentle masculine energy. Even as a bi woman, it's the masculine energy in women that attracts me. I have felt so much shame for this. I feared I wasn’t this socially progressive person who can radically accept everyone. I was supposed to love Elle for Elle. I told myself that Jake and Elle are the same person thus my romantic love should be the same. I didn’t give myself enough credit. Radically accepting everyone does not mean being attracted to everyone. I fell in love with a dynamic loving masculine man. I created a life with Jake and I did miss him. The more I felt like Jake was disappearing, the more grief I felt and that followed with so much shame.

When we lived in Minnesota Elle struggled with dysphoria and it was literally killing her. They were sicker by the day with an auto-immune disease. I held them multiple times thinking they were going to die in my arms. I had accepted that I most likely was going to be a widow with three young kids. Thinking that the weather was a huge factor in her illness we took a leap to leave our community, family and home to save Elle’s life. We moved to Santa Fe, NM. A year after living here Elle was becoming stronger. She had a colonoscopy that didn’t show Crohn’s disease. They stopped having flares and came off all their medications. It was everything we hoped for. We both see now the true toll on Jake's body was hating himself.

On a road trip early in our time as New Mexicans, Elle turned to me and said that she would like to start hormones. I was genuinely excited. Who doesn’t want a husband with secret BOOBS? Elle explained again they don’t want to do a full transition but want to see if their brain gets the hormones it craves if the dysphoria would lessen. I saw her fear in this choice but she was ready. I don’t think I have ever been more proud of Elle than at that moment. As time moved forward, Jake seemed to be disappearing and Elle began to show up more often. I know she has always been Elle but I got to see her more. It was a confusing time. I woke up each day not knowing who I would interact with. How they carried their body, their voice, the way they communicated, their sexual desires and their contentment for life would shift. I missed my husband and I felt horrible for it.

I had always respected Elle’s request to stay in the closet. Her whole life she has been ashamed of who she is. I had grown up in a socially progressive community and had the queer community all around me. Elle was raised in conservative area and had never been shown acceptance of who she was. We also had eleven years of social progression between us. But there became a time where I was no longer comfortable living in the closet. I wanted to scream to the world that we were a queer family, that I loved a trans women and I inherently was queer myself. I needed community and support. Elle wasn’t ready yet. This was a breaking point. The toll of living in the closet was a lot on our relationship.

Elle and I had many problems completely unrelated to her gender identity, like any long term couple. In a hope to find a more supportive community for us, we also lived in the closet as a polyamorous couple. We had both dated and loved others. Again it may have looked one way to the outside world but there were no secrets. My relationship with George was not a reaction to Elle's transition but simply a way of life we had agreed upon from the very beginning. So much of my life was hidden away and with it my authentic identity. I was no longer willing to walk through life presenting a lie. We began our individual journey to find ourselves. I tried many things to find myself but I know now that journey was truly inside of myself. Elle has shared with me that my desire to end our romantic relationship set them free, maybe it did for us both. It was a wake up call to our own truth and pushed us forward to be the authentic woman we were.

Elle and I taught our kids to love everyone. They knew about different sexualities and gender identities from the moment they were born. But their parents' gender identity was kept from them till Elle and I started to grow apart. Their Mapa, the kids loving name for Elle, started to let themselves be seen and our kids have never once expressed anything but support. I was worried for them. Will they be bullied and accepted? How will this affect them? Will they be safe? But it has become one of their many superpowers. The kids have learned to love and accept others in a way I could only dream. They have become my teacher.

Aviana shared with me recently that people do stare at them in public with their other mom. She had begun to confront people defending their mom. Saying things like, “What are you staring at?” We know how many trans women are victims of hate crimes. I was scared and I had to talk with my kids about safety. I had to explain that many people hate trans women like their mom and we can’t challenge strangers. This was one of the hardest conversations of my life. Preparing your children for hate and potential violence because of their Mapa's gender.

Last summer Elle had a concert in the Railyard. George and I brought all the kids. The kids were so proud of their mom being their total authentic self in front of so many people performing. We danced and laughed. You could feel and see the joy. When she got off the stage the kids ran to her and hugged her. In that moment I felt so much pride for the family we created, for the love we will always share, for Elle’s journey, for the love my children have. Afterwards, we all chatted and Elle left for home with the kids. I followed her, carrying all the kids' stuff as they all walked hand and hand to the car. They passed a couple walking. This couple stopped, turned around, stared and then laughed profusely. I was horrified and prepared all of my responses in my head. But I looked past them to my family and none of them noticed. Nothing could touch the love they were floating on. I knew I could not protect my kids from the world but I had taught them to live their truths without shame.

A few months ago Avi came out as gay to me. Fitting with her generation, she came out in a text meme sitting right next to me on the couch. I looked over to her and tears flowed down her face. I said, “Is this real? Are you coming out to me?” She nodded in confirmation and I pulled her into me. I have never been more proud of her. I confirmed she was loved, accepted and even more celebrated. I want nothing more than for you to be you.

Elle and I can now both stand on top of the mountain and say “This is who I am.” We cheer each other on. We have struggles but we love as big as we can. I am so proud of who you are Elle. Thank you for teaching us all how to be our authentic self, even in a world that may not always accept it. Your ability to simply live your truth allows us all to live our own. Thank you for teaching our daughter that she gets to be unapologetically herself. Hell, thanks for teaching me that I get to be unapologetically myself. I wish I could offer you and our kids a more loving world. I wish I could always know you will be safe in body and spirit. But today and every day, I choose love. You are not alone. Be free. Be you. Be Elle.

Me Too...Never Again

Yesterday I opened my heart, I shared my truth and I told my story. It was a moment where I felt fully present in my authentic self. Where I knew my light shinned, was received and in the process, others illuminated even brighter. It was magic, it was sacred. When I think about the gifts I accepted from others I am humbled. The gifts of their stories, their tears, the impact my words had on them, their hugs and their willingness to know me better. But the largest gift for me was having the opportunity to see what they saw. To be reminded of my strength, wisdom, humility, raw vulnerability and my transformation.

Sharing the story of my traumas is never easy. But every time I do it, some layer inside me heals. Yesterday on Facebook “Me Too” spread like wild fire. Survivors claiming sexual harassment, assault and rape. Studies show that 25% of college men have admitted that they would rape a woman if they could get away with it. This shows without a doubt, sexual assault is a man’s issue, an issue with masculinity. Yet woman, in a public form willingly admitted our horrors and men sat silent. I delayed saying “Me Too” because I thought why is it on the survivors to always bring awareness, fight and share our trauma. But I saw a man post in support of all the survivors and he spoke of his trauma from loving survivors himself. When I saw that, I felt hope. I was ready to once again own my trauma because survivors were not alone. But he was only one man. One man. 

I so wish the voices of men would be heard today. That they would own being part of the change. I want to hear men challenge rape culture with every ounce of their being. It’s not because you have a mother, daughter or sister, it’s because you are a human being. Survivors eyes are on you...waiting, waiting, waiting. When will men step up? Being a good guy, never assaulting a woman, is not enough. Your voice is needed on social media, in the locker room, in how you talk to young boys, in what you support with your money, in how you own your feelings, in how you vote and in how you choose to love. Did you sit quite when you saw someone in a vulnerable position? Did you make that rape joke? Did you laugh?  Did you questions a women's intention from the clothing she wore, the way she danced, the drinks she drank? Have you always asked for affirmative verbal consent? We know with the number of women who have been assaulted, a lot of men themselves have assaulted. Maybe you once did something you’re not proud of. Maybe you think owning that will make you lose the respect of those around you. Let me tell you, when I hear a man claim his wrongs, as a survivor, I heal. But if you stay quiet, if you know you have hurt another and you don’t fight the system so another is not hurt, then I have no respect for you. The crime of your silence is the largest of all. This is on all men. We are waiting.

So…Me Fucking Too. I have been sexually abused, raped and sexually harassed countless times. I am the story of women. I will continue to scream “ME TOO” but will it be returned with “Never Again”?

Walking in the Light

A theme of my life has always been radical honesty. Above any characteristic a person could hold, I respect people who can share their authentic self, no matter how vulnerable they must be to do so. If there is a language of the Light that is it. When we speak our truth and it is received in sacred space, a mystical circle is completed that produces a power so large it can transform energy. Lately I have been contemplating prayer, how it is done, what is said or unsaid, its function, ect. Like most of my spiritual work, I have had to translate religion and dogma into what I know to be true for myself. When I pray I have only three objectives. First to practice deep gratitude for all that I have received. Second to share my truth and let it be received from the Light that Flows Through All That Is. Third to always look for ways to remain in the Light that guides me. 

Great Spirit,

I'm only beginning to comprehend all of what you are. But this I know.

I see you every time I see the light shining through the trees.

I feel you every time a sunset takes my breath away. 

I hear you every time I open myself to the wonder of life.

I am blessed by you every time my heart fills with love. 

I doubt you only when I try to understand you in my mind. 

You belong in my heart, in the light, in the sound of children and the bud of spring.

You are the light that holds me. When I embrace you I feel peace, love and strength.

Great Spirit show me the way to serenity. Light my path with your wisdom. Free me from hate, greed, selfishness and discontent so I may offer myself to the light that flows through All That Is. I welcome your loving embrace. May your waters cleanse my soul and shine my way today and every day.

Amen

Forgiveness

In the Morning

There is a facade that accompanies the night

Desires take hold and the animals emerge 

The beat of the music matches the beat of our hearts

Bodies collide in rhythmic movement  

A girl looks into the eyes of a man

He sees her body and longing eyes

Trusting the night she follows

Grooming me all along

For when the night fell black

A girl said no and man said yes

You say how cute I am as I try to cover my body

Asking you not to but you persist

With darkness in your eyes you inform

I will hurt you if I have to

A girl no longer, innocence gone

As I sleep you wake me again

I will hurt you if I have to

But morning always comes

As the light hits your face you know

That darkness took your soul

Desperately wishing that the night was mislead

I ask, "Whats wrong?"

As you glance to me you no longer see the girl

Reply, "How horrible was your night?"

You knew what I did not, you knew what you did

I wonder if now the sun shines on your darkness

Or if you have let the darkness consume 

A woman built from wreckage speaks to the morning 

I know the darkness that most haunt you still

But I will not bow to the night

Only my forgiveness holds me now

I set the night free

Love Affair

I want to have a love affair

A famished soul awaits

Give me starry nights and long walks

Companions navigating the mystery abound

Share in the wonder of it all

Make love to me

Let the tears fall as I release

Laugh as the world attempts to claim our days

Let your glance clench my heart

Hear my joy in your voice

Healing love take your grasp

Let my touch welcome you home

Energy from source combines in one love affair

Fingerprint

There is a bruise shaped as a fingerprint

As I glance down, I see the power once taken

Broken blood vessels tell a story of a girl

In playful interaction fear took hold

As I laugh, I cry silently

Soon sounds of joy fade as tears begin to fall

Horror takes hold from the one that loves me

He speaks when I can not

"I'm sorry love. I was just playing."

Pain, clench, fear

Why do I fall silent?

The words of the past still whispered ever so quietly

"I will hurt you if I have to"

I run my fingers over blood diffusing

Heal and take my silent voice

To Feel Again

I’m not sure when it began, the numbing, the isolation, the depression 

And I’m not sure it matters

I have been living a life on auto pilot, forgetting that life is lived in the present

When one does not want to feel, they can find about anything to avoid it

There is an ache in my chest that strangles my breath

A soul held captive in a body living in a hostile environment

They say addiction is a family disease, taking three generations to resolve

My family tells its story

I guess it was there all along but now the virus has taken hold

People ask me how long I have been withholding 

It’s not an action that can be calculated, it’s a way of life

Baby steps taken each day following a promise

My body absent of alcohol it found itself panicked for relief

Warping all crutches to bag for mercy

But tonight my soul sang

In loving embrace, I opened, I felt and I did not resist

I basked in the sensation of joy and hope for a journey unresolved

Discovering hidden identity

The Universe showing the blind its path

I feel you, I see you, I listen

I’m humbled