Why I Care About Police Brutality...

If you follow my Facebook page you can see that I care deeply for the movement against police brutality and equality of all of our citizens. Maybe you have thought it is a little overkill. Maybe you have wondered why it matters so much to me. I want to answer that question.

The last few weeks have been hard for me. The events that have unfolded and the imagery of police everywhere have pulled my PTSD from the shadows. Though I am a white middle class citizen, my personal story of police brutality has shaped much of my life. Ten years ago this last November while a sophomore in college I was raped by a police officer. His manipulation of me began early in the night as he showed me his badge and weapon at a social event. I heard stories of taking people down and his conquests over said criminals. Later as he took his shirt off I was shown the full power of his body. I was young at the time and still had a lot of trust in the police. I trusted that I was safe with him and felt flatter that he was interested in me. I now understand that every story he told and every action he took was to place fear in me. Upon my protest of his advances he whispered ever so quietly, "I will hurt you if I have to." When he said those words I believed him completely. 

So I understand what a fear of the police feels like. My heart races every time I see a police officer or police car. When I have been pulled over in the last ten years I act strange in the eyes of the officer because I am terrified. My heart is fully present with the people of Ferguson and New York.

Clearly this is a hard issue to talk about. For many of the last ten years, I have been scared to speak out of what happened to me. I was not only scared of other police trying to “shut me up” as I was warned could happen but scared of the questions that come next. I received all the post rape questions. “Why did you not leave? Why did you not fight back? Why did you go with him? Why did you not scream?” Those words still echo in my bones. The message I received from many close to me was that I clearly should have done something different so that this would not have happened to me.

I hear that same attack against Michael Brown and Eric Garner. They clearly needed to do something different to not get killed. “If they only would have…” The victim shaming is the same. The fear of the police is the same. But I was traumatized by one man and the community that protected him. Minority communities are traumatized repeatedly and their life is often threatened.

I think white people like to believe we have come a long way sense slavery to give ourselves comfort. Institutionalized racism still holds the bonds of slavery. Our jails and prisons are full of black men. Education discrepancy. Economic standing. Infant mortality. The list goes on for plight of minorities. I was told I will be hurt into submission. Black men are told that they will be killed into submission. This is not the society I want to live in.

How can we trust someone who holds a gun and intimidates citizens into "proper behavior"? Does our society truly need people that have been GIVEN the right to threaten our lives with deadly weapons? As long as a gun is held on the hip of a police officer I will forever feel threatened.

Let us pass strict gun control laws, pay to get guns off our streets AND out of the hands of the majority of the police. Let us train police in cultural norms, conflict resolution, restorative justice and proper ways to restrain people. Let us join them together with community leaders as part of a team for a better civil society.

The Earth Goes Dormant but an Awakening is in the Shadows

This time of year is usually very hard for me. The days grow shorter, the suns absence becomes more noticeable, the Earth's blanket dies and goes into dormancy. It is a time I honor my own sadness and darkness. I must admit that the transition of seasons is much easier in New Mexico. The days are shorter but the sun is almost always present. The sun and blue skies offer hope to my heart. Winter does not overwhelm me in darkness here. We had our first snow fall this last weekend. Fun to have the kids come in to our bed screaming "Its snowing." The first snow is always so magical, especially for kids. Jake had them out in the snow before breakfast. Santa Fe having such a high elevation still sees winter though nothing as extreme as Bemidji does. The weather is the best of all worlds. We have done a lot of laughing watching people with coats, scarves, hates and mittens in the forties. They complain like it is the end of the world. Snowplows out with an inch of snow on the ground that will melt by afternoon. Maybe we too will become weak to the cold but for now we are pretty hardy. We do love Santa Fe. It is rich with the hispanic culture and extreme love of the arts. Their seems to always be family friendly events to go to. I say to Jake all the time, "I love it here." With that said the absence of loved ones grows heavier. I really thought it would get easier as time went on but it seems to be harder. The loss of being five minutes away from family is substantial. At times it takes my breath away. Their is such a gift found in being known. Starting over is hard. As the season calls me to slow and honor my spirit I feel thankful for the opportunity to focus inward. I am enjoying having time to spend on myself. Exercising, going to the hot tub or sauna. Focusing on feeding the family nutrious foods. Spending time going to yoga and the zen center growing my connection to self and the Universe. The count down to our flight back home to Minnesota has begun. The kids have big plans that become more detailed daily. My heart longs to feel the warmth of the fire, to hear the laughter of loved ones, to be held in the comfort of being known and to watch the magic of the season in my children eyes. Maybe this year more then any other year will the true meaning of the season come forth. The idea of material gifts seem trivial in comparison of the gift of being together.

Resurrection for a Pagan (Unitraran Universalist) Child

This may be a little late with Easter weeks ago now but with the endless winter we are having it still seems timely. For Easter we traveled to Jake's dad's and step-mom's in Central Minnesota. Easter to my kids mostly means candy, Easter hunts and family. We try to talk a lot about Spring and signs of new life. Though sometimes I think it goes in one ear and out the other. As the day went on it became evident that they may be listening more then I realized. We had a fun day spent outside. The kids went on walks, played on the zip line, went to the park, saw sap boiling, loved up the horses and got some quality time with their grandparents. I even got to take a nap with Leo! It really was a joyous day.

Nika my free spirit discovered a dead bird on the ground. It had flown into the window and broke its neck. She was carrying it around cradled in her hand. She kept saying, "It will be okay." We explained to her that it was not okay, it had died. She took her grandma's hand and they went looking for a place to put the bird. Nika looked up at her and said, "We will put the bird in the ground. Mother Earth will take care of it. Her hand will come up from below, hold the bird and bring it back to life." I melted with her imagery. I could not have said it any better. 

Avi and I were in the pasture loving up the horses. I explained to Avi that Mr, the horse, was now about 30 years old and that is really old for a horse. I took her hand and ran it over Mr's rib cage that was evident. Mr was not doing well I explained. He is thin and not gaining weight. I could tell she was listening intently. I went on to say that Mr may die soon. What she did next still brings tears to my eyes. She waked to his face and placed her hand on the side of his face. She looked him in the eye and said, "Mr it is okay if you want to die now. You have lived a long life. Mother Earth will take care of you. You can die now." Tears streamed down my face as we both said goodbye to Mr. She was not sad. She skipped back to the rest of family so comfortable with the cycle of life. I was expecting her to ask about calling a vet or feeding him more food. Instead she freed him to to the other side and again like Nika he would be held by the loving care of our Mother Earth. 

I am so very proud of my children. They are connected to All That Is. I am honored to learn from them. 

He Is Back, He Is Lucid

Honestly I don't know how to shake the memories from this last Saturday. As I was holding Jake in my arms while he was vomiting and climbing off the MRI table four feet off the ground I kept thinking…he is dying right now, I am going to watch him die, I am going to be a widow, I am going to have to raise our kids alone, how will I ever live without him? As the terror of a possible brain bleed faded away. I thought he may not die now but will he ever come back to me, to reality, to himself. I am not sure which option was worse.

Jake had been saying some strange things for a couple of days. I later discovered that he started believing I was an alien coming to kill him on Friday night. But on Saturday afternoon he started to talk rapidly and was making no sense. He was behaving strangely. Ripping up paper and eating it. Touching the kids on the head and stating he had to do it so they would not die. I called 911 and what followed were some of the scariest minutes of my life waiting for them to show up. By the time the police and ambulance showed up he was not communicating at all. They had me come in the ambulance to keep him calm and sitting. But Jake was gone and was acting like a young child. Getting out of the ambulance at the hospital he sat on the floor refusing to move. They picked him up and brought him to a room. Questions were firing at me. Did he fall? What other symptoms does he have? All the while Jake became agitated. The hospital was understaffed and I was left alone with him. Screaming for help several times to have a nurse run in and help me get him back to his bed. I physically restrained him from leaving the room several times. My body score. They gave him meds to sedate him but because of his low weight they were scared to give him too much. So it took a long time before he was ready for an MRI. He was calmer but still agitated as they rolled him back for his scan and they asked me to come with. I ran back and forth keeping him calm as they tried to finish the scan. The tech quickly asking me if I was pregnant. He began to vomit, cry and begged me to help him. I started to lose it then and the tech was too. She said I don't see any signs of anything wrong with his brain. We brought him back to his room and I could see a group of doctors looking at his scans. No medical reason other then a complication from steroids was found. Late that night I left him in a psychiatric room curled up in a ball stripped of all his identity. Unable to to communicate with me. They gave him anti psychotics and said now we wait.

The feeling of calling the hospital on Sunday morning and having the nurse say, "Would you like to talk to him? He is back, he is lucid." is a feeling hard to explain. A part of me is still stuck in the ER. I see him here now in front of me but I still feel so deeply fearful of loosing him.

We now know that Jake had an adverse reaction to the prednisone he was on treating the flare of his Crohns Disease from late December. We think that a supplement that he had started may have taken a part in the metabolism of prednisone in his body causing a build up of the steroid. Though this is also just a rare side affect of the drug so we will never know how he will react to the drug in the future. Jake can not go off the drug cold turkey but is tapering off the prednisone as fast as his body will allow. He is also on another drug to counter the side affects till he has completed his taper. Prednisone has saved his life several times but now it is a drug he needs to avoid. This causes some complication to his treatment of his Crohns. His doctor said a plan needs to be developed but he is unsure what to do as of now if he were to have another flare. His treatment will be focused more on preventative care now starting immune suppressants soon.

The details of the events on Saturday have replayed in my head an endless amount of times. They haunt me. Our whole family has a lot of healing to be done. Avi without a doubt has been affected. She is not talking much about it yet but it will come. I pray that Jake never hold any shame over this. I feel a deep connection and tenderness for him right now. He has given me permission to share any details that will help me process the events. The act of sharing is very healing. I can’t imagine what the experience must have been for him. The medication he is on now is making him cloudy but he is here! I will always walk his journey with him and feel honored to be by his side. I thank those that have surrounded our family in this time. The gift of food, money, hugs, watching our kids, phone calls, sweet messages and light truly give us easy from the worry. I feel blessed for our family and community. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

The Universe Once Again Reminds Me of My Calling

I have been thinking a lot lately about going back to school. I had given up on the idea of being a midwife. I was choosing practicality over passion. I had pretty much decided to go back to school to be a social worker. Jake kept challenging my thoughts. He was encouraging me to follow my dreams and not choose a job simply for the money it could produce. I felt pretty stuck. Then an article floating about facebook on birth trauma which stirred so many feelings about Leo's birth. I felt anger and deep sadness over the care I received during his birth. A thread started by a few of my friends about birth trauma and how often women's feelings are diminished over the idea of a "healthy baby" in the end. 

This caused a lot of reflection in me. I wondered how many women have internal scares over their births. How much healing has yet to be done? How many women have pushed their pain away and have not felt able to express their grief. 

Last Friday I met a wonderful women who use to work as a midwife. We talked a lot about the options for birthing in the area. We shared some thoughts on a midwife that is taking too many high risk clients and about her recent loss of a baby. The education, certification and licensing of midwives is a hot issue. Many have opinions on it. This specific midwife that gets a lot of clients in the area scares the shit out of me. She uses religion as a tool of treatment and does not follow basic guidelines that most midwives have agreed upon. In my area their is no certified or licensed midwives. Women don't have the options they deserve.

Then one of my old doula clients that had an emergency c-section joined in the discussion on facebook. She talked about my role in her birth and the impact I had on her processing her grief during her recovery. She stated that I had freed her to feel her disappointment and that during her scary birth she never felt alone. It is so touching to hear from my past doula clients. I consider it such an honor to have walked with them on their journey into motherhood.

All of this came crushing down. I kept thinking about how scared I was during Leo's birth and how I did not feel held in a space to birth. I then thought about the midwife practicing who just lost a baby. Though I don't know the details of this loss, I know the risks she was taking. And then finally I thought about how women have described my presents in their births. I knew right then that if I can prevent birth trauma, if I can help women process birth, if I can create a safe place for women to transform into mothers, if I can connect my soul to another women when she needs to feel the support of all women that have birthed before her... then I am met to be a midwife. 

I am starting my application Midwives College of Utah. It is a long distance program that accepts finical aid. I am feeling at peace tonight with accepting a calling that is deep within me. 

A Gift of Perspective

Our family has had a rough couple of weeks. Jake had a Crohn’s flare on December 21^st.  Last August Jake had a colposcopy that showed his disease advancing and a recommendation to follow that he start some new medications. The main medication being an immune suppressant that had some pretty serious possible side effects. Jake made the choice to first overhaul his diet and see if he could put his body in remission. His overhaul removed gluten, dairy, nuts, seeds and citrus from his diet. In many ways this was a success. Crohn’s causes high levels of inflammation in the body and had caused Jake to have arthritis. His diet has eliminated his achy pain in his body. Interesting that this flare came out of nowhere. Usually he has warning signs. Jake came home from work and said his stomach was hurting. Two hours later we guess that Jake lost about a pint of blood from his colon. This is a terrifying site for me. He was pale, shaking, sweating and losing blood rapidly. Fortunately the bleeding stopped at we were able to get him to the hospital fast. He was given lots of fluids and steroids to heal the sores in his gut to prevent more bleeding. He was admitted for observation. In the middle of the night Jake woke up on the floor of the hospital bathroom. After fainting going to the bathroom and a bump to the head more evaluations where done. The nurse said he most likely fainted from the blood loss and his hemoglobin dropping. Jake was able to come home to rest and heal. He has been weak and losing weight. Skinny in the first place Jake lost an additional 13 pounds. He is now eating every two hours, drinking protein shakes and will be juicing soon. He will be on steroids for a couple of months which is no fun for anyone. They make him pretty edgy and cause him to get little sleep.

This was hard on the girls. During the panic of getting Jake to the hospital the girls saw all the blood. Avi was terrified her dad was going to die. She struggled communicating her fears. Days later Nika came down crying from upstairs saying that Avi wanted to play a game where the dad dies. That was way to real for Nika but a good method for Avi to express her fears. In the first few days my mood was short as I was a busy mama taking care of the kids, preparing for Christmas and taking care of Jake. Avi broke down saying she felt like I did not like her any more. This broke my heart. We sat on the floor and cried together. It was such healing moment for the two of us. We were able to express our fears and I was able to apologies for having low patience. In the end she sat there wiping my tears and showing me such grace. It is amazing how our children lead us at times. They show us such forgiveness and unconditional love.

I was and in a way still in emergency mood. The depth of my concern and exhaustion is hard to explain. This flare has created some big questions for us and others who care for us. I am so thankful for those that offered help to us. The blessing of community fills me. At times I and others had reactions out of fear. How will we live if Jake is unable to work? How can we lower stress for Jake? Is he working too much? Does he need to start immune suppressants? Does he need to go to Mayo? Does he need new doctors? Do I need to go back to school right away? Should I get a job?  It put a whole lot into perspective. All of these things questions need answering but we had to slow ourselves down. His doctor reminded us that he is okay now and we have time to make these decisions.

I needed to remember everything that is going right and get others who criticize out of my head. I kept hearing voices in my head, “I need to do more to “contribute”? I need to make sure Jake has less stress and gets more sleep? We should not have had three kids? Ect.” All of these voices are crap. The most important thing in the world to Jake and I are our children. Sure they cost a lot of money and add stress to our lives but they joy they provide greatly out ways the rest. My role as a mother and our choice to have me stay at home with them while they are young is exactly what is right for us now. Living a life that does not follow our values would not fix anything.

We are moving forward now. Jake has an appointment with a new doctor. Our community is circling us. I feel so blessed. So in love with my husband and family. I will finish giving Leo his first full year of being with me and then start thinking about school/jobs. I am more in myself then I ever have been. I am also the happiest I ever have been. I am so proud of the choices Jake and I have made. We will continue to live with intention as we move forward to the next year.