Our family has had a rough couple of weeks. Jake had a Crohn’s flare on December 21st. Last August Jake had a colposcopy that showed his disease advancing and a recommendation to follow that he start some new medications. The main medication being an immune suppressant that had some pretty serious possible side effects. Jake made the choice to first overhaul his diet and see if he could put his body in remission. His overhaul removed gluten, dairy, nuts, seeds and citrus from his diet. In many ways this was a success. Crohn’s causes high levels of inflammation in the body and had caused Jake to have arthritis. His diet has eliminated his achy pain in his body. Interesting that this flare came out of nowhere. Usually he has warning signs. Jake came home from work and said his stomach was hurting. Two hours later we guess that Jake lost about a pint of blood from his colon. This is a terrifying site for me. He was pale, shaking, sweating and losing blood rapidly. Fortunately the bleeding stopped at we were able to get him to the hospital fast. He was given lots of fluids and steroids to heal the sores in his gut to prevent more bleeding. He was admitted for observation. In the middle of the night Jake woke up on the floor of the hospital bathroom. After fainting going to the bathroom and a bump to the head more evaluations where done. The nurse said he most likely fainted from the blood loss and his hemoglobin dropping. Jake was able to come home to rest and heal. He has been weak and losing weight. Skinny in the first place Jake lost an additional 13 pounds. He is now eating every two hours, drinking protein shakes and will be juicing soon. He will be on steroids for a couple of months which is no fun for anyone. They make him pretty edgy and cause him to get little sleep.
This was hard on the girls. During the panic of getting Jake
to the hospital the girls saw all the blood. Avi was terrified her dad was
going to die. She struggled communicating her fears. Days later Nika came down
crying from upstairs saying that Avi wanted to play a game where the dad dies.
That was way to real for Nika but a good method for Avi to express her fears.
In the first few days my mood was short as I was a busy mama taking care of the
kids, preparing for Christmas and taking care of Jake. Avi broke down saying
she felt like I did not like her any more. This broke my heart. We sat on the
floor and cried together. It was such healing moment for the two of us. We were
able to express our fears and I was able to apologies for having low patience.
In the end she sat there wiping my tears and showing me such grace. It is
amazing how our children lead us at times. They show us such forgiveness and
unconditional love.
I was and in a way still in emergency mood. The depth of
my concern and exhaustion is hard to explain. This flare has created some big
questions for us and others who care for us. I am so thankful for those that
offered help to us. The blessing of community fills me. At times I and others
had reactions out of fear. How will we live if Jake is unable to work? How can
we lower stress for Jake? Is he working too much? Does he need to start immune
suppressants? Does he need to go to Mayo? Does he need new doctors? Do I need
to go back to school right away? Should I get a job? It put a whole lot into perspective. All of
these things questions need answering but we had to slow ourselves down. His
doctor reminded us that he is okay now and we have time to make these
decisions.
I needed to remember everything that is going right and get
others who criticize out of my head. I kept hearing voices in my head, “I need
to do more to “contribute”? I need to make sure Jake has less stress and gets
more sleep? We should not have had three kids? Ect.” All of these voices are
crap. The most important thing in the world to Jake and I are our children.
Sure they cost a lot of money and add stress to our lives but they joy they
provide greatly out ways the rest. My role as a mother and our choice to have
me stay at home with them while they are young is exactly what is right for us
now. Living a life that does not follow our values would not fix anything.
We are moving forward now. Jake has an appointment with a new
doctor. Our community is circling us. I feel so blessed. So in love with my
husband and family. I will finish giving Leo his first full year of being with
me and then start thinking about school/jobs. I am more in myself then I ever
have been. I am also the happiest I ever have been. I am so proud of the
choices Jake and I have made. We will continue to live with intention as we
move forward to the next year.
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