Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Universe Once Again Reminds Me of My Calling


I have been thinking a lot lately about going back to school. I had given up on the idea of being a midwife. I was choosing practicality over passion. I had pretty much decided to go back to school to be a social worker. Jake kept challenging my thoughts. He was encouraging me to follow my dreams and not choose a job simply for the money it could produce. I felt pretty stuck. Then an article floating about facebook on birth trauma which stirred so many feelings about Leo's birth. I felt anger and deep sadness over the care I received during his birth. A thread started by a few of my friends about birth trauma and how often women's feelings are diminished over the idea of a "healthy baby" in the end. 

This caused a lot of reflection in me. I wondered how many women have internal scares over their births. How much healing has yet to be done? How many women have pushed their pain away and have not felt able to express their grief. 


Last Friday I met a wonderful women who use to work as a midwife. We talked a lot about the options for birthing in the area. We shared some thoughts on a midwife that is taking too many high risk clients and about her recent loss of a baby. The education, certification and licensing of midwives is a hot issue. Many have opinions on it. This specific midwife that gets a lot of clients in the area scares the shit out of me. She uses religion as a tool of treatment and does not follow basic guidelines that most midwives have agreed upon. In my area their is no certified or licensed midwives. Women don't have the options they deserve.


Then one of my old doula clients that had an emergency c-section joined in the discussion on facebook. She talked about my role in her birth and the impact I had on her processing her grief during her recovery. She stated that I had freed her to feel her disappointment and that during her scary birth she never felt alone. It is so touching to hear from my past doula clients. I consider it such an honor to have walked with them on their journey into motherhood.


All of this came crushing down. I kept thinking about how scared I was during Leo's birth and how I did not feel held in a space to birth. I then thought about the midwife practicing who just lost a baby. Though I don't know the details of this loss, I know the risks she was taking. And then finally I thought about how women have described my presents in their births. I knew right then that if I can prevent birth trauma, if I can help women process birth, if I can create a safe place for women to transform into mothers, if I can connect my soul to another women when she needs to feel the support of all women that have birthed before her... then I am met to be a midwife. 


I am starting my application Midwives College of Utah. It is a long distance program that accepts finical aid. I am feeling at peace tonight with accepting a calling that is deep within me. 

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