Listen, Let Go and Trust

I was told recently that my story is enough. That there is no criteria needed to be met but the life I have lived to qualify me for help. That blows my mind some. People share with me often that they see me as a warrior. I often don't feel that strength but I know that no matter how many times I am overcome by my shadows, I rise. Each time in the past thinking it would be the last. Thinking I had found the hidden puzzle piece creating a whole masterpiece. But I know now its work that will never be done. PTSD is part of my being, woven into me like the veins that nourish my body. I crave connection with my whole being. Numbing the pain of its absence. The craving for connection has been with me for as long as I can remember. I learned as a child that the only way for me to have connection, was to care for those that could not care for themselves. While at the same time learning that no one was really dependable. No one would stay on the merit of who I was or what I offered. A life time of care taking. A life time feeling isolated from the world around me. Maybe my trauma did that. It told me the world was not safe, that people will always betray. In the last couple of months my shadows have pulled me down further then I have ever seen. They have brought me to my knees once again. I look again for my missing puzzle piece and though the puzzle will never be complete, with each missing piece discovered its beauty shines brighter. Today I am not going to hide, I am not going to put on a display of strength or intellect. Today I am desperately searching, sitting in my brokenness, refusing to numb my pain, asking for help. I choose me. I am continuing a journey and now facing a new challenge of addiction. Simply a symptom of my larger disease. I believe in my resilience and I believe in a Universe that is waiting for me to listen, to let go and to trust.